Drifting July 6, 2006
Posted by Jen in : Writing Bits , trackbackI’m sitting here. Not doing anything else, particularly, just sitting. Just in that sort of mood when nothing makes me happy; in fact, nothing makes me anything. I walked the dog thinking it would lift me out of this drifting state; that I would be able to focus, think clearly about everything. But I can’t. So, I’m just sitting here, waiting for something to happen. Anything. The perfume of wild, wilting flowers mixes exotically with the tobacco smell of the strong coffee in the tired mug next to me. It’s so quiet, the distant hum of traffic reminding me of the world going on without me… the smell of a barbecue compounds this. I imagine the family I can’t see or hear, laughing, eating before the children are tired. But I am alone. I need a sign. I never see any fish in this river. If I see one now, I know that things will be ok - better than ok, perhaps. Are you supposed to be more positive about signs? I watch the fluorescent green weeds weave in the current, thriving despite their lack of oxygen, hearing the shallow water whisper over the stones. I’ve been reading these hippy books, how you can tell what’s going on in your life by recognising the ‘signposts’ and quite like the idea… it’s more open to ambiguity than horoscopes at least. Easier to make what you see fit what you want to believe. I feel misplaced in my own world, waiting for outside forces to convey what I’m thinking, feeling… make it seem real to me.
The evening sun begins to disappear. The asthmatic sigh of a hot air balloon draws my attention to the floating Christmas bauble; a special treat for someone as I sit here alone, envying them. Is this my sign?
Comments»
I like this. I’m always looking for signs, but they usually turn out to be Red Herrings
I think validation is what I seek.
Validation, yes… it’s always good to know whether we’re on the right track or not…