Post-Christmas (or Christmas post, if you prefer?) December 30, 2006
Posted by Jen in : Journal , 1 comment so farWhat a funny old Crimbly. Funny good but, you know, not the usual sort. Unconventional it was (did that sound like Yoda?!) without the Gruesome Twosome. So, in back-to-front jolly humbug thinking, here are some of the things I thankfully haven’t done (yet) this year:
- Felt very sick after suppers consisting of party-sized quiches, smoked salmon and my own body weight in Baileys
- Popped my hand up a turkey’s behind
- Felt the need to hang myself with tinsel
- Engaged in any traditionally compulsory Yuletide arguments
Instead, I slept almost ten hours a night, swigged champagne for breakfast and sipped tea in silence with lovely bf mid-afternoon while engrossed in our books.
‘Oh my God, how old are we?’ we chortled. But it was cool. And we wore our pyjamas the whole time. Except during the dog-walking interlude: we can do dignity and decorum when we get the urge. We wear waterproofs over the top. We’re so swish.
Wishing you belated festive jollification and a sky full of stars. And some seriously good snogs, if you haven’t had your Crimbly Quota yet.
Crumbs December 19, 2006
Posted by Jen in : Journal , 2 commentsAnd yikes. Still haven’t made a start on the Chrimbly shopping. Bound to snap up a few bargains now though, eh? To be truthful, my Friday evening snifters of sherry have worn off now and I’m feeling a teensy bit daunted by the fact that I’ve done bugger all about Christmas. Tomorrow is the day. For sure. Definitely. Probably.
In linguistic news, I tried to teach the Bouncing Czech the finer points of the phrase ‘hey ho’ yesterday. The poor sausage got it all mixed up.
“In my country, vee haff a fairy tale and they sing about ‘hey ho’. How you would say in this country? The Princess and the Seven Little Mini-People”.
Aw, she’s a funny old duck. The Bouncing Czech and I are running away to France together when we become lesbians. Apparently. I’m a bit cheesed off that she reckons she’s gonna be the funny one though.
Hey ho. No, let me repeat that more wearily… hey ho. No, that sounds a bit leery. How about ‘ho hum’ instead? Oh dear, an early night for me perhaps?
Oh my Gaaaawd December 18, 2006
Posted by Jen in : Journal , 1 comment so farIt’s terrible. Really. All of it. I’m not sure what, exactly, but just wanted to share the mysterious terribleness of it all. I’m not feeling quite myself. Not sure who I am feeling, but it’s not myself. Had a quick look look in the mirror to see if it could offer any clues but, alas, there was just some chubby-looking bird gawking back at me. Reckon she’s had too many mince pies.
Oh, and I’ve decided I hate my job. I need to become a librarian. By the sea. Seriously, that’s what I’ve applied for. Librarian-by-the-Sea. Cool, huh? And they’re looking for two of ‘em. So I could at least be one, no?
Today’s fascinating and stupendously scintillating pre-toil conversation in the purgatory of retail Hell led to the ponderings of a cunning cardigan and a potential pantomime key. Hmmmm… yes… good.
More sensible evening musings led to the likelihood of the dog being able to play the banjo while talking like Huggy Bear from Starsky & Hutch. He’d play the mandolin for duets though. The dog’s sophisticated like that.
I’ll be much better when I’m a librarian by the sea. Glad we cleared that up then. Wish me luck.
In a Moo-d December 9, 2006
Posted by Jen in : Bits and Pieces, Journal, Novel , 2 commentsIn the absence of anything better to do today, I’ve actually been doing some work on The Novel. Now, my three main characters were, I thought, pretty sorted. But the Sensible One took her dogs out for a walk this afternoon to, you know, look at trees, contemplate life and generally have a touch of the miseries.
In the space of a few hundred words, however, she has gone mental. She has started shouting at cows. Is it normal for characters to go off the rails so drastically? I know I don’t have much control over what I laughingly call my ‘life’ but my characters could at least show a little decorum couldn’t they? I invented them. Like my children. They should bloomin well behave.
I’m not sure it’s a good idea. Shouting at cows, I mean. I don’t really like cows very much. I don’t like the way they all creep up behind you when you have to walk through their field. I don’t like their air of nonchalance* when you spin round to catch them in the act of said following malarkey. They think they’re so funny, rolling their eyes about as if to say ‘Following you? Ooh, no Missis, not me.’
And why do cows all look like Jamie Oliver? Something to do with the fat slobbery tongue I suppose. Oh dear. Sorry Jamie.
Maybe I’ll shout at some cows tomorrow. That’ll be something to look forward to. Writing can send you a bit funny, can’t it?
* I like the word nonchalance. And insouciance. I couldn’t quite decide which to use. So I thought I’d do a little footnote so I could use them both. But insouciance sounds a bit like soup. And ‘cow soup’ sounds gross. So I won’t write any of that.
Oh Sod December 6, 2006
Posted by Jen in : Journal , add a commentNumber 2 son. He’s… well… I don’t know. A bit different.
He’s ridiculously clever. He’s 10. He sets out his Christmas list in algebraic formula. But he still belives in Father Christmas. And the Powers Of The Wishbone.
I did something stupid tonight. I roasted a chick-chick-chicken. And Number 2 Son has comandeered the wishbone.
Usually, I can make his wishes come true, based as they mainly are on Lego or chocolate. This one, however, is a smidge tricky, even for me. When he wins tonight’s wishbone, he’s wishing to be taller. I think he’s worried about being a tiddler at secondary school?
Number 1 Son was very helpful:
“I seriously don’t know any shrimps at school who aren’t popular. It’s freaky but true - shrimps are very popular. Especially with other shrimps.”
Hmmmmmm… any ideas for overnight tallness???
(Near) Death by Chocolate December 2, 2006
Posted by Jen in : Journal , add a commentWhile toiling away at work yesterday, the fire alarms began to wail. Emergency! Take action!! The restaurant was emptied of old dears toothlessly chomping through their Caeser Salads, the car park barriers raised for the easy entry of fire engines… and me, faffing about while two ageing colleagues - think Hinge & Brackett in black suits - moaned and groaned about it raining and looking for their umbrellas.
I should have been cross and told them to hurry along. Easier said than done. I had, just moments before, piggishly succumbed to a stray bag of choccy miniatures. I could imagine the tear stained faces of my nearest and dearest as they wondered what had become of me. Nobody would know it had been me, perishing in the fiery flames of department store hell, plastic ladies melting around me as I lay trapped and helpless.
A Quincy-type coroner would announce, “the victim is still unidentifiable. Dental record matching was the last hope but, sadly, the victim died with her teeth fused together with what looks like Cadbury’s Fudge. That’ll learn ‘er.”
Dinner with a Bouncing Czech December 1, 2006
Posted by Jen in : Bits and Pieces, Journal, Novel , add a commentLast night was ace… a wonderful dinner with my adorable work pal Pretty Hana and an assortment of other women who I’d never met before.
As always, I’m justifying this as research for The Novel. Well, there are women in it… and it’s quite interesting to see what women talk about when they’re in a clump. It can’t be all about lip gloss and men can it? Can it? An evening of intellectual banter revealed the following philosophical facts:
Children: Nah, get a dog. Easier to train and far less pooh involved.
Skiing: Rather like sex. If you can’t do it properly by the time you’re mid-20s, it’s really too embarrassing to bother.
Men: It takes a good year to
figure out what’s wrong with this onedecide whether you’re really in love or not.Heelys: Truly not designed for grown-ups. You see, children are Good At That Sort of Thing. Once you’re over 30, such wheel-endowed shoe-related objects become yet another item of probable shame, rendering the unsuspecting wearer open to potentially life-threatening situations, particularly when combined with vodka and any sort of slope.
So… enlightened? Nope, me neither. But I know one thing: I won’t be purchasing any Heelys anytime soon. I shall, instead, stick to the tried and tested, nay traditional, method of alcohol consumption when I feel the urge to make a complete and utter spaz of myself thankyouverymuch.
