Trying to be Normal March 12, 2007
Posted by Jen in : Writing Bits , trackbackOh, balls. In fact, if you’ll indulge and excuse me, balls and buggeration. Aaarrghh! Double Arrrghhh! AAARRGHHHH!
Fed up with my job, I am. I do a good job. Despite evidence to the contrary (i.e. all previous posts) I am an intelligent person. I compose kick-arse letters to reclaim money from bastard customers who come into the store, buy a barrow-load of designer gear with a cheque which they promptly stop before closing their account. I co-ordinate the training of 200+ staff. I sort out everyone’s problems. I keep everyone happy. I somehow convince people that Retail Hell is a fantastic place to work. I do all this for £6.00 an hour. I am clearly mental.
So. Tomorrow, or today if you’re reading this tomorrow (oh, are you trying to complicate things?) I am going to Interviews. I am going to pretend to be normal. This is, as you can imagine, quite a strain. I loathe interviews.
Scary Interviewer-type scary person: Can you type very fast?
Spazzy Me: Oh, yes. I am very marvelous indeed. Apart from my bunch of fat sausage-like fingers which cannot type at all at this moment in time. Really, I am much less sausage-like on a Wednesday.
Scary, standing-up-type person: Do you often fall over?
On-the-floor me: No, I am quite often upright. When I have fooled you into thinking that I am normal, I will not wear high heels and contact lenses and try to look intelligent all at the same time.
Oh, fuck-a-duck. Wish me luck.
Comments»
Lots of luck. And spells.
Is that today or yesterday?
Either way - good luck honey x Personally I think that ‘normal’ sucks. Being a tit is so much more attractive
x
Oh Jen, I feel your pain. Was supposed to be going for an interview with a recruitment company this evening but the stress of trying to work out what to wear (current job is jeans & a t-shirt - a definite winner!) was just too much so am going to cancel!
Good luck with the heels.
Good luck, Jen. Let us know how it went…
I hope those interviews were for work as a funny writer because I think you’re cut out for that job.
Would you recommend the Word Painting book on your sidebar?
Advice to an interviewee (speaking from my own experience):
1 ) don’t leave your coat in the interview afterwards - - it makes you look like a spaz
2) when you go back in to get your coat, don’t laugh “I was having so much fun I forgot it” - trust me, it also makes you look like a spaz
3) don’t say ‘if you will’ after every declarative statement. (spaz)
4) don’t shake their hand *too* hard. (agressive/scary/spaz)
Instead try jogging up to the reception desk humming the rocky theme tune (in your head)
GOOD LUCK JEN
Aw, thanks guys…
KW: I think some of your magic worked… I actually managed to find my way around Brighton, including finding the car again afterwards, and get back home without becoming hopelessly lost or having to pull over in a lay-by for a cry!!!
Caroline: I agree wholeheartedly… being a tit totally rocks. But, for some reason, I have this inbuilt thing where I feel forced to pretend I\’m not a total mental before they promise to pay me rather than take me on as a care in the community case!
LQS: I had to abandon the heels after the first outing… came home for a wee and put on my lovely scruffy Clarks flatties. Oh, yes, sooooo sophiticated. Jeans & T shirt sounds fabbo! Don’t ever leave!!
Lucy - I’m feeling positive. Keep things crossed for me!!
Zinnia - funny? FUNNY?? This is no laughing matter, this is my LIFE we’re talking about!! Oh, but thank you!!
Yes, the book is ever so good. I have far too many books but this is one of my faves - rather like being in a great writing workshop and less academic than most. Treat yourself, you deserve it!!
X
Kate: How about forgetting your purse before you leave than having to look out of the window every two secs to see if the nasty traffic warden approacheth cos you couldn’t put a ticket on the car? Grrrrrr. I think you have noticed my spaz tendencies.
X
What with my time difference, and your comments about today and tomorrow (or was that yesterday?) I’ve got no idea where we are. I told you, parallel universe. Really hope it all went/goes well whichever day it is/was.
x
Use that humour to your advantage!
‘course you will have got the new job. How can they possibly manage without you. You are wonderful!
Hope the interviews with the anti-personnel or in-human resources went well (only just read your post) (um, a coupla days late) (who’s the tit, now?)
Hi JJ - it did go well, yesterday I think. But, with your time difference, it might be tomorrow. Oh, I don’t know!!!
Hi Jay - are you a new racer? Ooh, must investigate. Oops, I mean must write novel. Sod, am useless.
Good morning T&C! Aw, shucks, will you give me a reference?!?!?!
X
Glad to hear it went well……btw way i you want the job???
That was too funny! I’m glad it went well and hope you get it - that is assuming you want it!
Best of Luck!
You know, every time I check in here and I read that, it makes me laugh all over again. I think that it’s the typing thing specifically that is so funny. Cos it’s true. I can never type with someone looking over my shoulder either.
Am glad it all went well. And Hush Puppies sound fine to me. I’m allergic to heels. The last time I wore proper heels, I was getting married… And look how that ended up, eh?
I once had a reference from a pal.
It highlighted just how well I’d managed to get the borstal card school going; that the shop-lifting was developing well as I wasn’t getting caught so much; that new skills learned included multiple smoke rings … and so on. It was hilarious and I wish I’d kept it, so I could pass it on to you!
Good Luck.
Did you get the job honey? x