Of Present Perceptions December 11, 2007
Posted by Jen in : Journal, Novel , trackbackJust like Mr Benn, I decided to try on a new life when I was 14. I was starting a new school and planned the re-vamped me all summer: come September, I would be trendier, cooler, less square and, after a bit of dieting, less round too. Instead of being a flute-tooting bookworm, I would be like the other girls who had boys chasing them. I would snog in public and everything.
Yeah, right.
Just over four years ago, I left Jersey. I left behind all my friends, family and the claustrophobia of growing up on a small rock. I can re-invent myself, I thought. I would be trendier, cooler… ahem.
You know what? I’m now 38 and still the bloomin same. And I’m beginning to think that might be alright. Ok, so I’m not a jazz pianist or a psychotherapist and I only have two kids instead of a set of triplets or a hippo who lives in the bath.
But it’s just occurred to me that this is what my novel’s about: being grown up enough to be yourself.
I still want to be a writer. I still want to run away to France and speak French to real French people. And even though that’s not really what ordinary people like me do, I’m going to do it anyway. And even when I do all that, I’ll still be me. Just as well really; it seems that I’m only just getting the hang of it. There again, I would quite like to become a gladiator. Or a spaceman. Maybe I’ll go on a bit of a diet again tomorrow.
Oh dear.
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You’re singing my song Jen! Takes a long time to realise it sometimes doesn’t it.
And when you run away to France, let me know becasue I want to come too and be neighbours - as long as you chose a warm bit:-)
(Love Mr Benn:-)
When I was about to move to Bangkok, I was imagining the same: I was going to be size 8! (without the diet bit), drifting about my super condo, wearing floaty Ghost clothes and listening to Frank Sinatra.
Ha, fat chance! Sometimes, it’s okay to be me.
JJx
I agree I agree!
Lane, it takes far too long to realise. I’m going to make bloody sure my kids grow up with a proper helping of self-confidence. Well, apart from them being smelly smart alecs, that is
JJ - you should be proud to be you. You rock.
Helen - you agree that I should diet? Waaaaaaaaaaaaah…
X
Would that be a Gladiator like this or this.
Just wonderin’….
I’ve done it too - when I moved from Glasgow to London (Ooohh I had such plans!!) then again when I moved from London to Manchester (Oh yes I was going to be a wee thin fantastic funny person!!) and then again when I moved from Manchester to Bangkok. Nothing changed at all…..which is just as well really……I’ve spent all these years figuring out how to be me (and I’m still not great at it!!) but blimey, the thought of trying to be someone else is so tiring that it makes me want to go back to bed……I think I’ll just stick with me for a while!!
Cx
In my twenties I travelled all over - vowing with each new country that I’d be cooler, more confident, that I’d get everything totally TOGETHER - and basically just be a much better version of myself.
never happened. I just stubbornly followed myself wherever I went.
I don’t care so much that I’m not perfect anymore.
bah! perfect people! yuck.
and …you’re funny …which is one of the COOLEST attributes a person can have, I reckon!
You brought back all the six week school holidays I spent planning the new improved me that I was going to wow everyone at school with! Ordinary people do run away to France that bit is easy but I’m still working on the speaking French to real French people bit and 71% of a novel makes you a writer in my book.
Oh God, I had forgotten those feelings…….after hitting the big 40 I suddenly accepted that I was me and that was OK! I went out to Dubai knowing I was over weight, hadn’t been accepted, and it was all ok. Still want to be a size eight - but I am inside so I suppose it’s ok!
Just realized that it’s your shout for coffee today and next Friday!
If there’s a problem let me know.
liz x
Bedshaped - ooh, I want to be ‘Jet’. Can I? Can I??
Carol - I wonder whether all this means that we are finally becoming grown-ups? I sort of hope not?
Rebecca - yeah, Perfect People suck. They’re boring. And they don’t drink enough. Aw, and fanks for the ‘funny’. You should see me in my clown outfit.
Breezy - I think I did it every year too, to be honest. I still do it if I have a few weeks off work too - pathetic! I’m truly inspired by you running off to France. I want to swap lives with you - especially now that you have a washing machine!
Liz - Who wants to be a Size 8, pocket-sized Kylie type anyway? I love the idea of being a Size 8 on the inside. I suspect I might be very tall on the inside - I certainly have lots of tall thoughts! (Am on the coffee/Novel Racers post. Got to feed the kids first or they’ll report me to Childline!!)
X
Hey, Jen! Blogmeme alert, if you fancy it - I’ve tagged you as a good writer. Check it out, m’girl. Love the clown suit by the way…
Ooh, thanks Mr Hedgewizard, sir!
Oh, I did this, every time I started somewhere new: a new school, university, a new job. I always thought, maybe this time I’ll be the popular one! I never was! And, like you, have finally realised that I quite like myself as I am. More importantly, I’m not so bothered about what other people think anymore!
There are some good things about growing older!
Hey Jen!
I too recognise those feelings and, likewise, one of the things I like most about getting to my advanced age of 30 (go on! laugh! I don’t mind! :D) is that now I realise I quite like myself, mentally, if not necessarily physically. But, ultimately, I know which I consider to be the most important so as long as we all know we’re size 8/10/12 or whatever it is we want to be on the inside, then perhaps that’s all that really matters?
Incidently, I think you’re ace!
l-q-s. xx
Leigh - there are loads of good things about growing older, aren’t there? I had a similar conversation with a work colleague who agreed that she couldn’t wait until she was ‘old enough not t give a toss any more’. She was in her late 60s. I think the whole ‘beauty from within’ thing kicks in when we’re ready, not when we reach a certain age?
LQS - hey Missis! Nice to see you back in the blogosphere… I think you’re doing well to be so comfy in your own skin. Must be all that psycho-stuff you’re into. Did you do your Reiki course?
I think I’m the same too! I’m always having a ‘I want to do-slash-be something interesting’ phase. I want to shout something meaningful from the roof-tops, but the truth is I never have any idea what it is I want to shout. I do hope we work it out eventually!
Nez - I’m so glad it’s not just me. Just shout lots of things. The neighbours will probably report you but hey ho. It’s rather nice to be in a permanent state of excitement over the latest phase though, isn’t it? What happens when we want to do everything though? I think I’d be happy to just be SOMETHING, no matter what it is…