Of Steely Stubbornness December 17, 2007
Posted by Jen in : Journal, Novel , trackbackOver on the Novel Racers’ blog last week, I raised the subject of sacrifice.
I confessed that I had just turned down a job in publishing, something I’ve been hankering after for ages. Instead, I’ve taken a boring Customer Service job in a building society. Why? Because it gives me two more days a week to write.
What I didn’t mention, for fear of being laughed out of Blogland, is that I’ve also decided not to sign up for the next module of my degree. This decision is actually making me feel a bit sick. But. I have been oomphed. I have also discovered that being oomphed can be surprisingly horrid, rather like having your bare bottom beaten with a wet Woman’s Weekly.
Several of the lovely Novel Racers have been chosen for the Messages book. I moaned and groaned all weekend to longsuffering lovely bf.
‘It’s not fair,’ I whinged. ‘Cally only submitted six pieces and two of them have been picked. It’s not faaaaaiir…’
‘And how many did you submit?’ he asked bravely.
None. Bloody none. Well that’s it. It really is. I’ve started my early-morning freewriting again. I am even holding myself accountable to this ritual by posting it, warts and all. Crazy, bubbling, frothing nonsense tumbling from the depths of my mind. Crikey.
Seriously. No more excuses. Hedgewizard was spot on when he succinctly pointed out that I’d find the writing a whole lot easier if real life would just fuck off for a bit. I don’t suppose it’s going to though. Like the people I’m envying right now, I’m just gonna have to get on with it.
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Yep, I think we’d all get on a hell of a lot better if life fucked off for a wee while. It’s nice to read that I’m not the only person feeling some envy. I think I’ll start to post my scribblings…. might make me feel a bit more productive.
As for not signing up for your next degree module. You know yourself what is right for you. I’m not laughing; I’m impressed by your decisive decision making!
I really liked your scribblings Jen (especially the Octopus Meringue – having just lied my way out of a dinner party I can empathise with Karen!!)
I think your very brave not singing up for your next degree module – you got to do what’s right for you and not what everyone else thinks you should do!!
C x
The beauty with the structure of your degree is that you can pick up modules in the future, what you have already gained will not be taken from you. Hurrah.
I have been having serious ‘writer envy’ over the last few days and I think that it actually stopped me writing – one of those ‘what is the point’ waves, I’ll never be as good as blah blah blah.
You have to write and you sacrifice whatever it is to make that happen. I’m really impressed with your focus and drive. I know you’ll do it ….. perhaps you have to start believing that yourself too …… perhaps.
xxxxx
I took a five year break from the OU. The two courses I had already passed were still there waiting for me when I returned to do the Creative Writing.
We all have to get a balance somewhere and what has to be sacrificed is different for each of us. I actually did the Messages project each day just to get me back into the habit of writing regularly, as you are doing. The end ‘result’ was a bonus rather than the main aim.
Cx
I hear you’re being very focused in pushing down your studies and your career to push up your writing, and respect the focus you are applying – and noticing the reality of not being picked for the Messages book on the flimsy excuse that you didn’t actually submit anything.
My only slight niggle is to wonder whether you feel freed by pushing down these things, or pressured to perform? Steely is a doing state. I’m just curious if if steely a creative state for you?
Sounds a sensible re-structure of your time to me. You’ve got to clear your plate now and again.
I’ve been suffering from the envy syndrome too without actually having submitted anything. Time to step up the pace methinks.
God I’m full of cliches this morning.
Off for a nosey of your scribblings:-)
And will you have to talk to customers about their money???? Scary:-)
xx
Well done for being honest Jen. And also for voicing a little of what I felt too about Cally’s success. I am so impressed with what she has achieved this last year that I did get a bit of writer envy, thinking I’ll never be as successful. Not just of her but anyone who has been published, might be published etc. Its funny that even published writers such as Caroline also have writer envy.
I was watching a bit of the spice girls documentary last night. Whatever you think of them, it was interesting to see them from the beginning. The year and a half of sacrifices they made, the hard work they put in in the beginning in order to get a record deal. When you look back 18 months doesn’t seem a long time. But for them, at the time, it probably felt forever. So what I’m saying here is that you are Spiral Spice. Making a few sacrifices here and there in order to get to the big time.
Or have I had too much caffeine?
A Writer & Caroline – I feel quite churlish in my envy of others and am glad it’s not just me. I’m thrilled for them, of course, I just want it to be my turn. But it won’t ever be if I don’t finish anything or submit it. Oddly, and unusually for me, it is making me more determined than ever. If I were doing as fably as you, Caroline, I’d be over the moon
Carol – the trouble is that I really DO want to do my degree. It’s awful, like having to choose between lovers. I bet neither writing nor studying will rub my feet though. Sigh.
Cathy – I’m mega-chuffed for you on your success. Well done you! I know the degree will wait – and there’s Level 3 Creative Writing in October which I’m DEFINITELY doing. Are you going to sign up for it?
Ah, Dr Bobo, you truly have me sussed. You’re right, squishing everything else does make steely less creative. But. A degree, 2 kids, a job AND writing a novel? Crumbs, can I have a little lie down on your couch for a bit?
Lane – talking to customers about their money is quite a worry. I shall have to practice looking serious and maybe even learn how to count.
Helen – I’m in awe at Cally’s success but she works so hard, she really deserves it. I love the idea of being Spiral Spice. Have some more caffeine
As Lane says, it’s time to step up the pace. We’ve achieved a lot this year but, as a teacher would say, there’s still room for improvement. We’ll get there – at least we’re heading in the right direction, eh?
I firmly believe that 2007 was our stepping stone year, Spiral Spice
Hi there Jen, sounds like it is pretty tough finding the time to be creative when you are feeling so pressed. Free writing is a great idea and can loosen up apparently aimless strands, which then manifest in something unexpectedly wonderful, or just unexpectedly crap lol.
It’s hard to dip into the inner flame of inspiration when it is so dark and shitty outside and the nights are still getting darker (until Friday, yay!).
I too have done some rubbishy jobs in my time, so that I could have more time for creative pursuits. On the downside, often the jobs were so mindnumbing or labour intensive, it took my spirit some time to recover enough to be motivated.
I also have two kids and have studied throughout pregnancy and pre-school years and now school years. It can be knackering at times, but the rewards in greater self esteem and purpose are manifold. You sound really oomphed though, it’s time for you to stand back for a while and pick up later on.
Stick at it. I maintain that you have a Voice and thus require only the right alignment of the planets – and some formal output – to break into the market. I’m in the slightly different position of having sorted out a contract for a nonfic book, but feeling as if I’ve let myself down somehow because I’d really like to write a novel. But novels are harder. Oh fuck it, it’s all about paying the bills. Right? (pokes blogroll)
Helen
You’re right. Very right, in fact.
Hullaballoo – I think unexpectedly crap just about covers it most of the time, but there’s something quite mesmerizing about seeing what’s actually lurking in the old noggin, isn’t there? Squishing the spirit and soul, even temporarily, is not fun at all. Standing back for a while is something I hadn’t even thought of – you suggesting it has felt like something of a revelation. If you were ‘real’ I would hug you!
Hedgewizard – Thanks (again), you are beefing up my ego wonderfully. Writing non-fiction is not letting yourself down – I’d write anything if people paid me. It would be lovely to write an English Patient-type thing that has people weeping all over the place but, yes, the bills have to be paid. Real life sucks a bit sometimes but gives us something to moan about I suppose…
I don’t hear anyone laughing at you for putting your degree on hold. I think it’s a sound idea. And I think writer envy is something that’s always with writers. Right now, as I’ve submitted novel 1 to half-a-dozen agents and have had four rejections of the partial manuscript so far, I’m deeply envious of writers who have agents or who at least get asked for a full submission on the basis of a partial. But I know there are others, possibly including you, who would give a kidney to be at the stage I’ve reached. And then there are others who have reached the Holy Grail of Publication but still envy those who they think write better than them, or have more lucrative deals, or more reprints/editions, or get more interesting writing-related work, or… So we have to cut down on things like studying and paid work and (sob) housework, not only to get our writing done but also to make time to fit in all that enviousness!
I’ll definitely be doing the level 3 writing….have you seen it is already in the online prospectus, apparently booking is starting in March and is going to be manic, I think…
That will be a great way to get back to your degree as well…writing and study combined, kill two birds with one stone!
A good lie down, snug under a quilted blanket, alternately sipping cleansing camomile tea and petite morte inducing hot chocolate, while being offered scented foot baths, gentle nail polishing, and an extensive choice of pampering sensuous pleasures … that would rid my niggle and fulfil Hullaballoo’s standing back all in one.
(PS: I can hug her for you on Friday – no charge!)
Zinnia: Yes, have my kidney. And my brain, for that matter. It’s not much use at the moment though. I adore the idea of making time for enviousness – I have the weekend to myself and may spend it on just that!
Cathy – it’s going to be sooo popular. Must remember to book early. Writing and studying… perfect combination, isn’t it? All that reading and writing. Bliss. See you there
Bobo – ooh, that hot chocolate sounds good. It’ll include a jiggle of rum, I trust? Feel free to hug Miss H for me. Enjoy your weekend!
Zinnia’s right about folk always wanting something better; this is what gets us off the sofa (says she, currently sitting on the sofa), and it is a Good Thing.
I know that I would rather strive, and be disappointed, than be a veggie in front of the telly every evening like so many of my non-writing friends. Your Messages is my first hit…after twenty-one months of writing.
Looking forward to see where you’re going is good, but don’t forget to look back and see how far you’ve come.
Leigh, I suppose we’re not the type of people to rest on our laurels. I’m really thrilled for your Messages hit. You’re right, though, looking back is good. That’s given me an idea for the Novel Racers post for tomorrow, too. Ta!