Of Reluctant Realisation June 4, 2008
Posted by Jen in : Journal , trackbackAwake at the crack of dawn as usual, I lay in bed listening to the Jurassic squeaks of the baby swallows in their mud huts outside the window. 5am and my mind lurched into action: had I remembered to edit the photos for work? Did I have anything clean to wear? Had No 2 Son emptied his lunchbox? Should I do photography coursework, edit the novel or actually do some writing before I clamber into my parachute harness of a bra and go for a run?
Ok. I admit it. I’m really tired. I know, I know. When you’re really passionate about something, there’s always time to fit it into your day. But what happens when you’re passionate about everything?
I don’t want to go to work today. It’s not that I don’t like my job; the work is interesting, I’m never bored, I get on great with the four other people in the office. It’s good. Really.
But I don’t want that to be my life. I can feel all my creative impulses slowly being tap-tap-tapped out of my soul. I miss writing; I want to pack up a bag and head down to Bexhill and take stark black and white photos of the pavilion or flounce around Brighton, searching for inspiration amongst the oddly pierced people in the twisting lanes, writing in coffee shops as salt and vinegar drifts into the sea air. But I’m not doing anything of those things.
And now I’ve wasted an hour of my life just sitting here, thinking that I can’t, just can’t, do everything. I haven’t studied or written or edited because it just all seems so hopeless.
I think I might need to have a little cry now. Best to get it over with early, don’t you think?
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HUGS. Even when I’m not working and I have all day to write I still have those moments where it just feels hopeless. Just the thought of doing all those things that you want to do would knacker me out. Remember that when you’re feeling overwhelmed it’s ok - no, it’s mandatory - to give yourself a break and start culling from the to do list.
I’m sending happy vibes to you over the interweb. It’s not easy finding time to do all the things that your passionate about - Christ, I struggle and I’m not even working!!
You might not be able to do everything but why don’t you pack a bag this weekend and head down to Bexhill?? It sounds like you need a break and you will be able to say that you have done one thing on your list…..which is better than none
C x
I suggest you reframe your “not working” concept, as you are likely to unconsciously processing ideas for your next writing splurge, making an internal critique of your past efforts, and looking through a photo composition lens all the time. So actually loads is going on … just not at a conscious level, or productive one… I’m not helping again, am I?
I am sending you calming, soothing thoughts. Imagine if you were addicted to TV like me? You would never get anything done then.
I’m worn out just reading your post. I like Bobo’s idea actually - take a break cos it’s not really - you’ll be processing all sorts of stuff.
Eat choc, drink wine & chin up honey.
JJx
I’m with JJ on this one, you shouldn’t make us all feel as if we’re not working hard enough just because we have time to take the odd breath whilst sipping just a very small glass of wine!!!!! And it’s true if you have too much free time you don’t get anything done at all.
It’s SOOOO annoying that there aren’t enough hours in the day to devote properly to all the things we want to do AND go to flippin’ work without getting all worn out. A good cry works wonders - although I can’t do it these days without going slitty-eyed and pig-like for weeks - but if that doesn’t work maybe you should have a mini-break where you can get down to some proper writing stuff or simply recharge your batteries?
Don’t lose heart. Not for too long anyway xx
Ohhh…don’t cry, hon! Being passionate about everything is brilliant, so much better than not having anything you want to do.
I can see it must be a struggle fitting everything in though. Can you book yourself a day off every now and then to do the Bexhill/Brighton thing? Somehow just having a day like that in your diary makes you feel more in control.
xxx
Aw Jen. I hear you. Where’s that private income when you need it:-)
It’s not hopeless my dear and you will get it all done because of the passion.
Now climb into those pre-warmed jim jams and relax:-)
Yvonne - overwhelmed, yes, that’s the word I was looking for. For some reason, I’ve convinced myself that I HAVE to do all these things, even though it’s completely doing me in!
Carol - it’s so hard hard, isn’t it. balancing what has to be and what we want to do? Ho hum. I’m sure I’ll get the hang of being a grown up one of these days.
Bobo - You mean, even when I’m not working, I’m working? Oh dear, I might need two lie-downs now.
Kate - I think a TV addiction is just what I need. (Don’t tell anyone, but I am secretly addicted to The Bill!)
JJ - Drink, eat choc and process. Yes, that sounds do-able.
Sheepish - you know, having loads of time really is counterproductive. But I’m kind of thinking that an extra secret hour in every day would come in handy for the slurping of very, very small glasses of joy.
Karen - A mini-break? Hmmm, had one of those last week and spent it washing pants. perhaps disposable clothes is the answer? Um, what was the question again? Can’t quite see it through my slitty eyes.
Ms Diamond - No, no, no it’s not brilliant. i want to go to work and then come home and watch telly. It would be so much simpler than all this thinking and doing?
Lane - Ah, well, we can achieve almost anything in pre-warmed jimmies. The private income would be handy though. Sigh. I blame my parents for forgetting to become rich.
Sounds like you need a couple of days off, just for you.
Big hugs honey.
x
Don’t cry Jen, sweetie. I agree with Lucy, if you weren’t passionate about all the things you’re passionate about, you’d be a boring bugger. I’m going to send over some time-stretch-continuum pants for you to wear - they will give you the extra hours you want to do the creative, enriching stuff that you need to do.
Bisous!
Mya x
Caroline - weekend tomorrow. And Sunday, oddly enough. Phew. Pass a hanky X
Mya - Special stretchy time knickers? Oh my(a), that’s the nicest thing I’ve ever heard with my eyes. Thanks for the bisous; they’re even nicer then the Great British mwahs. X
Work does get in the way doesn’t it? It seems to drain away all your best bits. But give yourself some credit woman you have only recently started your job, moved house, finished a novel some people don’t do that much in a lifetime.
Oh Sweetie. It is hard when there’s so much you want to do that you don’t know where to start. Don’t let it overwhelm you though. Break it down into small chunks and give yourself lots of little treats along the way. I’m thinking chocolate, wine, cheesecake .. that sort of thing x
Breezy - Work is just sooo overrated. How are we supposed to have any fun and become millionaire creative geniuses when we have to keep traipsing out to earn money?
Helen - Mmmm, cheesecake. Haven’t had that in ages. I knew the solution would be simple
Somewhere I read about the concept of a holi-hour. If you can’t manage a proper break, sit down and read a magazine and pretend you’re on the beach.
A break isn’t a break if you spend it washing pants. I would also say, speaking as someone who had her first good nights sleep in MONTHS last night, get enough sleep. Everything seems more do-able after that.
I’m thinking of dropping a day a week by doing 8hrs 15 a day over 4 days. It would only mean dropping 4hrs a week pay which isn’t a huge amount and would mean 4 longer days (obv) but a longer weekend, to Get Things Done. Would that be an option? Or even a 9 day fortnight?
I didn’t even realise you had kidsicles before today. I am in awe of anyone who manages to do that amount of stuff - with children.
Sorry I’m so late with this. I am trying to catch up now the course is finished. With the housework as well as the internet. The bathroom is now sparkling and I am considering the garden. I’m kind of enjoying this, although I don’t expect that to last
I hope the little cry worked and things look a bit more manageable. Those ideas about compressing your work hours into four days a week sound great - could you do that?
Oh poor Jen, and you bring us such fun and happiness, I always enjoy what I find here and laugh so much! Set aside the time, can you take a day off? It will get better. You are a wonder, doing so much so well, and as someone else said, it’s better to have too much you want to do than not give a shit about anything…
Lots of love and encouragement to you dear heart!
B - Kidsicles, yes, I have two of the great big beasts. I like the idea of a holi-hour (or a joli-hour as I just mistyped it). Dropping a day an week would be bliss but probably not practical as I work in a tiny company with only a handful of us there. Hmmm. There must be a way. Glad you finished your course - funny how catching up with chores can seem enjoyable. We are v peculiar.
Honeysuckle - A four day week would be dreamy but unlikely. I shall just have to stop moaning and get on with it!
Lucy - thanks for the love and encouragement. They really do help push me on. The occasional day off will work wonders. A weekend of beach-walking, photo-taking, editing and copious amounts of wine have restored my oomph. Maybe I’ll just have another glass to make sure…
Oh Jen I’m so with you on this. I don’t find crying helps though as it wipes me out for hours. Sleep is good though - it might seem like a waste of time but it never is.
And lists, lots of lists with pretty doodles (and the inclusion of things I have already done so I can tick them off straight away).
Hope you got your run in the end - I’ve never regretted going for a run but many times regretted not going for one (if that makes sense).
Jumbly - you’re spot on about the sleep. 8 hours a night is something I can’t function without but I’ve been managing on 6 or 7 for the past few months. Ugh, I’ll be baggy-eyed as well as useless. Running is good. I suppose the trick is always to take the positive route. You never regret doing something but NOT doing it because you haven’t the oomph is guaranteed to make you grumpy.
Hope you’re feeling a bit better now. I’ve had that feeling lately, it’s good to talk about it and even better to get great comforting comments like the ones above.
Keep smiling x
I know how you feel. I can get like that sometimes too. Sometimes a cry does the world of good though. Sometimes I want to shout ’stop the world - I want to get off!!’ It would be great to just spend a month doing nothing whatsoever to recharge mind and soul.
I was feeling a bit miz the other day on the way to work when I spotted a great sticker on the back of the car in front: “If all else fails - hug your teddy bear”. Great advice I reckon!
L-Plate - I guess it’s impossible NOT to feel like that sometimes. Real life does have a habit of crowding us out of the things we want to do most. Grrrrrr.
Nez - Or a month on a retreat somewhere - all chores, work, domestic dutues, everything banned except doing the things that enrich our souls. Ah, there I go, off into the realms of fantasy again. Sigh… where’s that bear gone?