Of Vile Verbiage July 4, 2008
Posted by Jen in : Journal , trackbackI do, dear reader, wonder whether I might have some advanced form of verbal Tourettes. I do, despite evidence to the contrary on this blog of nonsense, try to conduct myself like an intelligent, sane person. This illusion is sadly shattered when I open my mouth. Is it not attached to my brain at all?
Here, have yesterday’s example.
Wise boss: ‘The important thing is to always be one step ahead of others.’
I nod sagely, full of gravitas, before adding my own salient point. ‘Of course, being one step behind them means you can look at their bum.’
Bugger. I suspect it’s not Teletubbies that got me where I am today. It’s my inability to stop saying stuff with my mouth before it has been filtered through my Brian. It’s a puzzle because I never waste my Brian power on anything less than intellectual and stimulating. Sigh.
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I’ve got Lack Of Brian To Mouth Filter Syndrome too! And I’m sure we’re not the only ones. Shall we give it a more catchy name, start a self-help group, get some grant funding, go national, write a book about living with it, and become famous worldwide?
Zinnia - it’s a good idea. But do you not think the necessary and compulsory interviews would be a little dodgy? I like the idea of a catchy name for it though… makes it sound deliciously contagious.
ROFL !
I have that inability too. Can I join your group?
x
I actually have the opposite problem. Somehow I am doing quite well at work despite the fact that I regualry tell people I do nothing, read and write my blog/novels at work, never mark anything and steal equipment.
I think that because I tell my boss this so openly she thinks I am joking.
For example, last week after an inspection had just ended:
Me: ‘So it’s finished then?’
Head of Dept: ‘Yes. It went well.’
Me: ‘Good, because I’m not going to plan, teach or mark anything else until September. And maybe not even then.’
Head of Dept: Hahaha.’
See my problem?
BRILLIANT facebook picture!
Your verbal Tourettes (or I’d call it the quest to find the humour in everything) is what makes you hiliarious so don’t stop! It’s a gift.
See, I *think* of these kind of witty rejoinders but I never think of them in time. I applaud you.
Well, you see, I think you are the wise one in that interaction.
And being able to look at someones bum is not always a bad thing. I would love to be able to be a step behind my sexy policeman, for example!
Brilliant. I have the opposite…verbal constipation? My Brian filters so thoroughly that what finally comes out is pale and Wishy-Washy. I’d love to say, ‘Give me a moment to consider your comment and construct an appropriate response, Sir, and I’ll get back to you later in the week,’ instead, but sadly that would make me a nut-job.
Cap’n Black - “tis no laughing matter!
Caroline - you can defintely be in the group. Anyone who accidentally talks about Simon Cowell during Very Important Radio Interviews gets a special place.
Watching - ah, that is really rather cunning of you. You do become a bank robber or anything with that sort of attitude.
Yvonne - aw, it’s not a gift, it’s a torture. how am I ever going to achieve literary world domination when I can’t stop talking rubbish for five mins?
Kate - Isn’t it awful when we think of something snippy to say, but only hours later when we’re cleaning our teeth?
Pacha - a sexy policeman you say? I suspect one of those would be alright from all sides.
Karen - Verbal constipation eh? I don’t believe that for a moment. And being a nut-job is an underrated trait. I would hone it; mad is the new black.
It’s an age thing. Our brain cells are jumping overboard as we speak, not even the lifeboats can save them. Perhaps, they’re escapng from our mouths,best to keep gob shut. Nod or shake head instead. Or maybe the answer is sign language. Oh yes… . TFX
Love this! How did the boss react? And that’s totally my perception of Facebook too, clad to be affirmed in this!
…that’s meant to be glad. I am clad, but only in nighty and old jumper…
Are we talking corduroy bums or lycra ones because that may sway the balance. I would not want to look at at a lycra one at all. However I don’t really think this is the point is it? Sometimes I wish we could just grunt in response, like teenagers. It would save brains so much effort.
Conversely, being one step ahead of the others allows them to look at YOUR bum…
Right two comment by yours trurly on on post. What pray is happening, simple- an award awaits you over at my place (if you want it put your glad rags, comb your hair) TFX
Love the Facebook stuff! I suffer through it, I tell you.
Full of contradictions as I am, I’m often Karen (overthinking before making a hopefully safe, inoffensive comment) and you, SS. Every now and then something startling bypasses the filters and pops out, shocking anyone around who had assumed that I’m sorta vanilla.
Buns are a wonderful invention. Wish I had more of them - especially since the culture in this part of the world is obsessed with big ones. I’m really atypical.
(OMG. TMI.)
I heart your alternative facebook site. Can I join and write how much I heart this and heart that. Hearting stuff is my new bet noir (?) I have a new bet noir every week. See how interesting I am? Not.
Oh, God. Sorry Jen …and God. I put mary magdalene which I know I’ve spelt wrong as a joke thinking that your site would sort of just know who I am from my ISP thingy.
Jen, it’s me Fiona.
I’m going to bed without my supper and if I can find a hair shirt, which shouldn’t be difficult with three dogs, I’ll wear it all night.
TF - Oh my God, our aging, dilapidated brain cells escaping through our mouths! Oh, it just doesn’t bear thinking about. Thanks for the award… and the lovely words… I’m welling up. I’d just like to thank……
Lucy - I secretly quite like Facebook but don’t tell anyone, will you? My boss has perfected his eye-rolling since I started working there. Nighty and jumper sounds the perfect attire for blog-reading. You look lovely from here.
Lane - Lycra bums are ok so long as you’re just looking, not touching. Lycra bums are to squelchy for touching purposes. Oh dear, think I ned a bit of a lie down. Ug.
Honeysuckle - how simple but completely brilliant. You are a genius. Very practical too for the many people who talk out of their bottoms too.
Wordtryst - I’ve got plenty of buns, would you like some of mine? Being vanilla then shocking people now and again is probably the best way to be. Atypical is funky.
Fiona - LOL! You are such a nutjob. Hope you’re coming the the Novel Racers Meet and haven’t been struck down by lightning. My computer don’t know nuffink, it’s a bit dim. I heart my dim ‘puter.
Your Brian is working perfectly! Filtering immediate response is the equivalent to the Fat Controller manipulating his Thought Control levers.
Wherever and whenever possible I allow myself to say the first thing that comes into my head. I would recommend a good pair of cheek protectors though.
Being one step ahead is often dangerous - you are always the first to trip over, tread in stuff etc. From the comfort of the rear, we can watch, learn, letch, ogle, fall asleep…I think in your one step behindedness, you’re actually a whole step ahead of the rest of us.
Mya x
I remember doing conscious walking during a meditation and musing on people’s bum. The woman in front seemed to have a man bum, which made me wonder where her woman bits were. And everyone else was deepening their self awreness.
Brilliant. You shouldn’t worry about your verbal Tourettes but do make sure that you keep posting about it as it’s such fun for us to read.
This is why Chris calls me a donut…cause I have a hole where my brain should be and when I say something utterly daft (which erm does happen on the odd occasion) he refers to them as donut moments!!
I reckon you had a donut moment!!
C x
David - I know, in my heart of hearts, that self-censorship is never a good thing. It’s just a bit less embarrassing though?
Mya - Oh, you are so wise. Oh yes you are. Both behind and ahead, but not upside down too much. You’ve hit the nail on its noggin.
Hulaballooooo - She probably had a sturdy rucksack to keep her womanly bits in. Having the wrong bum must be quite a worry.
Debs - I’m sure there’ll be a constant stream of amusement and shame to keep this blog of nonsense going a wee while longer. Sigh.
Carol - Daft? Daft? Who are you calling daft? Perhaps being a donut has its advantages - they are terribly sweet…
…being one step behind them means you can look at their bum.
Tee hee hee. I can’t see what’s mindless about that.
Seems entirely reasonable to me (assuming the appropriate sex, and pertness, of course)…
I often find that, in the interests of not saying anything stupid, I’m best to avoid saying anything at all. I try to adopt an air of quiet intelligence - not with any success you understand …
Leigh - ‘Appropriate sex’. Hmmm. This week’s story prompt?
Helen - Quiet? What’s that then? It sound appealing but sort of not very exciting? Best you carry on not succeeding with that one.
LOVE that facebook doodle ~ so true!
And I LOVE the bum comment ~ it’s peeing down with rain here but you have put such a lovely smile on my face
hehehe looking at bums (so long as they’re nice bums) would be a good reason for being one step behind!
And I have that “open mouth, stupid words fall out” problem, especially when I’m trying to talk to someone I fancy
Kate - I just wish I could not love Facebook so much. It completely appeals to my nosey parkerism. Am smiling at you smiling
Sal - I’ve never thought of the words as ‘falling out’ before. I like that. I like it very much, actually. The trouble with bums is that you have to look at the wibbly ones to otherwise you can’t assess them? Some sort of auto-focus might be useful so as to only see the good ‘uns.