Of Being a Bit Bitchy July 20, 2008
Posted by Jen in : Journal , trackbackOne of the things I’m guilty of is impressing upon people that nothing much happens on this patch of the world I call home. Last week, however, in the small market town where I work, there was excitement afoot. There were rumbles, rumours and billboards to convey the impending event.
The local Co-op has been refurbished. On Thursday, there was an official opening. You know, one of those swanky openings that have a superstar celebrity. Sadly, the Co-op being the Co-op, Jude Law was mysteriously unavailable so they got they next best thing: Keith Chegwin. Gawd. I don’t know who was more desperate, Cheggers or the Co-op.
Music burst through my office window as the off-duty local deejay shouted into his microphone at the collection of local primary school children and smattering of dusty old dears.
‘Let’s make some noize,’ he yelled at their bewildered faces.
The music was pumping as the posse of pensioners body-popped through gritted dentures to Steps and the Macarena. Cheggers appeared just in time to count down excitedly to the 10am opening. I could hear him smiling inanely through my window but, no matter how hard I watched, I didn’t spot his limo. I think he may have come on the bus?
Once the automatic doors were opened, the marauding grannies flooded in, one at a time. The Co-op had been shut for three days, you see, and they’d run out of Rich Tea and Stork margarine.
Cheggers gamely tried a bit of pork pie* before checking he had his bus pass and shuffling off home.
I actually felt a bit sorry for old Keith. Oh, hang on, no I didn’t. Sorry about that.
* I made this bit up. I am quite sad. The body-popping pensioners rocked though. Hip displacement as entertainment. Mesmerising. It’ll be on Britain’s Got Talent before you know it. **
** You know I’m just joking, right? Being nice can be terribly dull sometimes.
***** Edited to say: please do read the comments. They are far better than this post. Thankyouverymuch.
Comments»
Ah, the Co-op! Butter Puffs and Viennese Triangles, fresh yeast, and cooking wine poured into your own washed-out bottles. Or am I just very, very old?
Poor old Cheggers.
Did you see 8 out of 10 cats on Friday? They asked what the most useless law in the UK was and the almost immediate answer was ‘Jude Law’. Cracked me up.
I love the Co-op! Guilt free shopping, coz it’s mostly ethical stuff. They do nice wine too. And send me vouchers for free stuff. Yay free stuff!
‘marauding’ grannies? methinks you are exaggerating here too. Go on, confess…..
Keith Chegwin? Whatever happened to him? Well now we know! Our local co-op has just been refurbished too. I’ve had money-off vouchers through the door. Yes, it’s pretty exciting here too.
Honeysuckle – Nope, it’s just the same today. Honest. (I do feel quite sorry for him. )
B – God, I love that show. Yes, I was guffawing along with you at that one. As for the grannies… um… I did see one with quite a determined look on her face. No doubt trying to get to the cooking wine.
Maddie – Spend £25, get £4 off. Why didn’t they just make it £5? £4 is like pocket money. In 1982. They must be on some world domination crusade. Will Cheggers be spearheading it, d’you think?
Hi Jen
Oh dear – I’m rather disappointed reading you comments and how rude you’ve been about me personally – Have to admit I did enjoy my time at the Coop in Heathfield last Thursday – but there you go. Can’t please people all of the time.
Keith Chegwin
Keith,
I was joking, honest! If Jude Law hadn’t been busy, I’d have had to write nonsense about him instead. It sounded as everyone was having a fab time but where’s the fun it that eh? Besides, everyone knows you’re nowhere near ready for your bus pass. See? All utter nonsense. I wouldn’t take on cuddly Keith if I really meant it, would I? Crumbs, I am sooo not going to make a tabloid journalist. The body-popping pensioners were good though, eh?
Keith: You’re a legend in your own mind, Sir.
Jen: What do you mean “nothing happens in my part of the world”. What about that accidental you-know-what that you told us about? ;oP
Keith Chegwin…..blimey…..did you go running down there to get his autograph???
Hehehe….loved the bit about body-popping pensioners
C x
OOH, you got a comment from Cheggers! Now you know you’ve made it
)) How blummin’ hilarious. Nothing HALF as exciting happened when our local Somerfield was refurbished recently. Not even Orville put in an appearance and the pensioners weren’t even slightly impressed.
Someone is having a laugh with you!
Cheggers wouldn’t leave a comment and search out his name on blogs!
Please tell me that comment is made up? Please.
x
Lol, I can barely type for the tears blurring my eyes (of laughter that is). How could you insult poor old Cheggers like that and now you’ve been told off by him too. Never mind, at least they had someone you’ve heard of opening your Co-Op, over here they just unlock the doors.
Mind you we did have John Nettles opening the school fete a couple of years ago. Dx
I think if my local co-op was to be refurbished it would involve total destruction and lego. They would also have to get staff who gave a crap. As for Cheggers. I never believed anyone could be that happy and upbeat without medication. As for the channel 5 show he did in the buff! That is another matter. He could’ve turned up in the buff to re-open co-op. That would give old dears something to gawp at!
I almost choked on my Twirl during my break when I read this! I’ve been giggling all day! Not many people can say they’ve been told off by Cheggars!
I just wonder who’ll come to open our new Co-Ops… I’ll have to make sure I’m nice about them on my blog. I don’t want told off!
Again, your blog is brilliant – keep up the good work!
LOL. I was going to waffle on about my views on old Cheggers but I’m now going to have to mind my P’s & Q’s. Thanks for making me laugh I owe you one
“It’s all at the Co-op now”. TFX
Cap’n Black – ah, but that accidental occurrence was a long, long time ago. And Cheggers is a legend – I read it on his website!
Carol – as always I was sellotaped to my chair, typing words. I was there in spirit though, as you can tell.
Karen – Orville would have been better; I could have taken the piss, safe in the knowledge that he can’t type. Or fly.
Caroline – Wish I could Sweetie. Simon Cowell may well be onto you, you know…
Debs – Good ole’ Stinger had to open everything going, didn’t he? Once he left Jersey, all public speeches and opening were performed by Oscar Puffin.
Sarah – Cheers. Seriously. I had no idea about all that naked cavorting. Soooo glad I googled it. Oh, I can see nightmares ahead. Scary or what?
Paige – I can’t believe I’ve been told off by Cheggers on my own blog! I’m trying to think of who to ridicule next? Usually it’s just myself or lovely bf. I do feel bad. I do! When I am a famous writer, I will let him interview me and ridicule me. I won’t get naked though, the nation will be relieved to learn.
That is truly, truly hilarious! Kal of Traumaqueen told me about being called out by Cheggers and I scarcely believed him – was that definitely THE Cheggers? Could it have been one of his entourage…? Maybe not ;p
I reckon maybe you should start writing about someone you really really want to get in contact with – maybe Jude Law will email you, or George Cluney or something?
S x
TF – Ooh, no, don’t stand on ceremony. Let’s all say what we think! No? No, you’re probably right.
Sarah – I can scarcely believe it myself! I’m not sure he’s really the entourage type, you know? Jude Law emailing little ole me? Sigh… lovely lovely. Hello, by the way. I like your shoes.
I find it hard to get excited about anything at 10am … now if it was John Craven … or Noel Edmonds … or indeed the lovely Mr Cowell, then I’d have to have a rethink. ps I’m sure Cheggers will forgive you in time …
Nooooooo!
But .. the hyphens … they are upsetting me …
I am in shock.
I may never mention Simon Cowell again.
x
Oh my. You’re in Cheggers hot water. I’m sure he’ll recover. I won’t. I’m still laughing!:-)
You never make stuff up do you Jen???:-)
Hi Jen
Thanks for email & the kind words – By the way I live nowhere near Heathfield!! But if I come back – I may take you up on the offer of a cuppa.
Oh just quickly Caroline – It is me honest!! I’ve given you a name check on the ticker tape at the bottom of the page of my website..Only I can do that!!
All thebest & Wey Hey!!
Cheggersx
OH MY GOD!
x
*laughing*
How wonderful.
BRILLIANT.
I am utterly delighted.
Best comments thread EVAH!!!
LOL! Jen, you’ve truely outdone yourself with your post, and then having Cheggers comment on it – priceless. Am kicking myself that I missed all the fuss!
fantastic!
This is so much fun!
Any views on Timmy Mallett??
Ohmygod – this is hilarious! Best thing I’ve read all day!
HA HA HA! This gets better and better!
I’m so going to mention random people on my blog to see if they come on! lol!
Keith who?
(Keith, that was a joke, OK?)
I nearly laughed myself off the sofa reading this!! It certainly beats my seeing John Craven at the Good Food Show this year. Now has anyone seen Maggie or Noel and we could make a Swap Shop quartet!
There is a possibility I might never be able to stop laughing if this goes on much longer.
Oh, my goodness!
Helen – Noel Edmunds? Ew. Mind you, that beard is guaranteed to tickle your fancy…
Lane – what do they say? Truth is stranger than… what a hoot!
Mr Chegwin Sir – I seriously think you are a brilliant sport and all round good egg. I would sooo buy you a cuppa. And Caroline is a right famous writer you know! Wey hey!
Caroline – your blog post cracked me up. I spurted herbal tea all over my keyboard at work. Fabulous stuff.
Rachel – it is rather fab and groovy, isn’t it? And sort of cosmically unbelievable, in a 70s cosmic sort of way?
Paige – It’s tempting isn’t it? In the name of good sense, however, I’m not going to mention Alan Rickman, Harry Connick Jnr, Smiffy from The Bill or any of the other people I rather fancy, just in case?
Janette – No way. Is a Swap Shop foursome something you were resisting adding to The List? It’s understandable but we all have our secret fantasies you know?
Zinnia – Minx. He’ll seek you out you know.
Helen – Great for clearing the sinuses though, innit?
Miss T – Yay for delightedness. And hello, too.
Lucy D – LET’S MAKE SUM NOIZE FOR THE BEST COMMENTS THREAD EVAAAAAH. Oh crikey, I might be stuck talking like that forever?
DK Leather – Bloomin mad, more like. (And hello)
Karen – I’m sorry. You’ve disappointed me. Slamming Timmy Mallet would be too cruel and too easy. He is a total tosspot though, isn’t he?
CC Devine – We need to get out more maybe? And did you get the photos?
As ever – you made my evening. hehe.
Alan Rickman! Yes please! He’s lovely!
I’ve had one suggestion for someone I can mention on my blog – Mick Hucknall. That’s a ’safe’ one. No danger of me fancying that!
Good grief; I take my eye off the ball for a few seconds, and look what happens!
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha…..
Well, what else can I say? Except perhaps:
Whaaaaaaaahhhhaaaahaaaahaaaaa…
(which sounds slightly more drunken…not that I drink, of course.)
Nez – Aw, you are a sweetie. To be honest, ole Cheggers himself has rather made this post. I fear I cannot claim the credit. Thwarted by Keith Chegwin. Meh.
Paige – What’s wrong with Mick Hucknell? not keen on the dodgy gold teef but he’s ok isn’t he? Or maybe I just have peculiar taste.
JJ – Insane, isn’t it?
Leigh – Lovey, you been on the sauce again old girl?
MESSAGE FOR KEITH CHEGWIN:
If you really are as nice as you seem to be on this blog, then why
don’t YOU get our poor young Caroline a signature from the holy
Simon Thingamabob? I bet you could and you’d make her very
happy and un-frustrate a lovely maiden.
Sunny regards from France,
Deborah
The Somerfield across from my office is about to become a Co-Op ~ PLEEEEEEASE let this be a Cheggers spectacular!!!!!!
“The Co-op had been shut for three days, you see, and they’d run out of Rich Tea and Stork margarine.” ~ PMSL!!!!
And Caroline is indeed mentioned on his website!!!! This might be the best thing that ever happened!!
This has totally made my day
ps: Janette: I once saw John Craven in a car park in Dorset…… Literally the only famous person i have ever seen…..
Mick Hucknall isn’t really my cup of tea. Neither was/is his music I’m afraid! If he comes on my blog, I’ll pass on your regards
I think it’s safe to say that this is my post/comments of the year! If there was an award I would gladly nominate!
Hello. This is possibly my new favourite blog, but mainly because of Keith Chegwin. Sorry.
I once had a fight with a beatbox band I slagged off on my blog whilst drunk, you have to be tremendously careful these days. Keep it up.
Hi Jenny – just wanted to say how much I’m enjoying your blog… it’s always nice to discover someone new in the blogosphere, particularly someone who moves in such impressive social circles.
On that very subject, I should probably add that Tricia Goddard once said “Ooh… nice car” to me as I climbed out of my friend’s Lotus Elise (slowly, as my bottom was sore from the rigid plastic seats) in the car park of Anglian TV. The Crafty Cook raised his eyebrows, too.
Wey hey Ms Rey. (See what I did there? Genius poet, me.) This is a high class celebrity blog. There’ll be no talk of that Simon Cowell fellow. Besides, I do believe Nice Caroline has switched her affections to Cheggers. Whey hey! (Again)
Paige – By ‘eck, he couldn’t carry a tune in a bucket. Actually, he can but that’s besides the point, innit.
Sam – A fight with a beatbox band? Cor, that’s quite funky. I can’t believe old Cheggers himself has brought forth such glamour. And hello. Do come again.
Tony – Why thank you very much. Keith Chegwin and Tricia Goddard… man… we are hot! Am off to consult my good friend Google to discover knowledge of Crafty Cook. I often like to raise the stakes but raising one’s eyebrows is far more suitably British.
Jen .. hey, this is Ms Rey (I can do it, too! Yippee) I can’t stand the SC bloke, but adore Caroline, and so I thought to give it a try via the other chap … star … celebrity.
Forgive those who trespass on thy blog, please.
Wey hey, sunny smile from
Rey
Um… but that Keith Chegwin site is a pisstake, isn’t it? I mean, it’s not really him?
I suspect I’m being dim as usual, but I can’t work out in which direction…
I can barely read this through tears of hilarity!
The amazing thing about Keith Chegwin for me is that as a very little boy he was in Roman Polanski’s very dark and brutal film version of ‘Macbeth’, where he sang a little song and ended up murdered.
From that through Cheggers plays pop to opening the Heathfield Co-op and guesting on Jen’s blog… what a tragedy of epic proportions!
Hi Jen,
Just a quickie as I’m away cavorting in Menorca filming for GMTV. My apologies – as I’ve inadvertently deleted your recent email from my Blackberry mobile. I was performing with aplomb in the hotel reception as my hi tech gadget resounded the CTU ringtone from the TV series 24. Some locals looked on as I conjured up my cool, composed collected type with a hi tech gadget – I have to admit that I was performing to the assembled indigenous inhabitants – who were unaware that the sunburnt, smart aleck in their midst with short fat fingers (not suited to a minutia gizmo thingamajig) was deleting all of his recent correspondents.
If you could resend I’d really appreciate it.
Clare (post 47) you’re correct the whole of my website is a pisstake. My agent is not out selling the Big Issue to get money for my Botox treatment.
Whilst I’m here Kate (41) I’m now John Craven’s carer.
Regards to all
Keith Chegwin
Bloody Hell!
Just found you through Karen’s link and I’m glad I did
OMG – this is brilliant. So are you and Keith BFFs now? How cool!
Jen, I think you really do have a new best friend in Cheggars.
By God, there’s some long words in that last post from Cheggers. I had to get the thesaurus out for some of them. And ‘performing with aplomb’? Must try that next time I’m on stage. Given his past TV performances, is it some kind of metaphor??
Thank you all so much for making my Sunday afternoon. I am crying with laughter, Jen, you now have a big up on my blog. I’m not Keith Chegwin but I try harder…
Cheggers plays blog!
(Oh, how funny am I)?
Just found my way here via Tam’s blog! I’m glad I did, because I haven’t laughed so much in ages!!!!
Ms Rey – I actually think Simon C should marry Caroline at the very least, just to put us all out of our misery.
Clare – There is something rather bewildering about the whole thing. But now you’re on his website ticker-tape too. It realy is just al too, to marvelous for words.
Karen – You took the words right out of my mouth, as Meatloaf would say.
Lily – hello. Yes, he is now totally my bestest celebrity mate, mainly on account of the fact that I haven’t got any others. I did sit next to Graeme le Saux in ‘O’ Level Geography though.
Paige – I can see him becoming some sort of blog icon, can’t you?
Tam – hi, how lovely to see you here. There were a lot of fancy words, weren’t there? I must confess, that very reason made me suspect that it may not really be him… But no. I must believe.
Nichola – You are quite clearly a genius.
Annie – Keith Chegwin has made this post with his madness really. But it has given me lots of new people to say hello to which is really rather scumptious. Hello.
Sir Chegwin – Saved you ’til last. You are my new best friend. It is true, because it says so on my blog. Hope that’s ok with you.
How brill , I got sent here by another blog and have been riveted by the comments.
Cheggers plays blog hostess with the mostest. Me and my sis were just name dropping on our blogs but we didn’t get anyone of the superstar class of Cheggers to comment!
I kinda hope it really is Cheggers. It’s increased the hits to his website if nothing else.
I just checked out the website…I must get me one of those gooseberry phines, it might be easier than a blackberry.
Brilliant. I am a little intimidated to be commenting on a blog that is frequented by Real Celebrities, but I wanted to say that this post and the comment thread has absolutely made my morning.
Did he tell you how he found you by any chance?
PMSL!!! Karen sent me here and I’m so glad she did. I’m going to try blogging again about Bruce Springsteen in the vain hope that someday he might venture into my blogsville. I am still chuckling – what a fantastic thread! Fx
Cheggers – the ultimate Blog Icon. Yep, I can see it now. Is that sad?
Is it also sad that I’m jealous? I want to be on Chegger’s Ticker-Tape!!! *pouts*
I have no idea who Keith Chegwin is, but it’s sort of spooky that Lucy mentioned the Polanski Macbeth because I watched it again with my niece just yesterday.
So now I know. Now off to his website.
(I’ll be mentioning Ralph Fiennes on my blog twice daily from now on…)
Lucy – you sneaked in there! As always, you have brought a touch of class to the proceedings. Fanks vay much.
Eve – I should think he’s really quite famous after all this?
Leonie – Sorry, couldn’t do the accent. I thought it though. This is truly a Real Celebrity blog. Hmmmmm.
Lily – good old stat checker… linked straight to the post when people started clicking on the link to his website (which I’d actually thought was a spoof!)
Fionnuala – Bruce Springsteen eh? Ho hum, takes all sorts!
Paige – Sad? No. Tragic? Ooh, just a little perhaps
Liane – I don’t think Cheggers has quite managed to become an icon in your neck of the woods. Hope the website didn’t scare you. Mmmmm. Ralph Fiennes. *dabs at drool with hankie*
Oh gosh that has to be the most entertaining comments section ever…
I named my budgie after Timmy Mallett…
I posted in one of my blogs about a Screaming Banshee Aircrew gig and the lead singer commented….. (Though they’re only known to a tiny legion of loyal fans).
Here from Lucy’s place………………………
It’s 6.22 am in Australia and my shouts of laughter woke the dog up!
Who’d have thought it? Cheggers, a must-have accessory! I’m going to get me a celeb hanger-on. Jen, I may be in touch for more info on just the right mix of rudeness/arse-licking…
Why does it all happen when I’m not here?
You have to start name dropping more often Jen first the new boss and now this.
You obviously have a talent for this kind of thing
Crafty – You named your budgie after Timmy Mallett??? Really?? Respect. I would have gone for Screaming Banshee Aircrew. It has a god ring to it for a pet. No? (Hello, by the way, I like your blog!)
Herhimbryn – Oh, crumbs – terribly sorry. In fact, I heard your shout from Blighty!
Tam – Arse-licking and grovelling are my specialities, nay, my main raison d’etre. Ask away.
Breezy – a talent for shaming myself and getting into hot and embarrassing water. Hey ho.
I didn’t know Screaming Banshee Aircrew when i named my budgie, otherwise who knows! I was young and Timmy Mallett was then our local radio DJ who talked too much, our budgie also talked too much… Thanks for visiting me back!
Aw I feel like I’ve missed a party. Honestly you go away for a couple of weeks and come back to find one of your favourite blogs has been Chegwined. Fab post – made coming home to grey skies more spiral and less dreary – ta!
Wonderful comments, loved every minute spent reading them.
ROFLMAO…found this through PopBitch. Truly funny and with aplomb!
The Cheggars plays Blog line just finished me off ;o)
Oh how could you, I think the Co op ’s a great gig!
I’ve only been asked to do cost cutter. Cheggers is going up in the world “not a lot”
Anyone remember the “AAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYY” noise Cheggers used to make on Swap Shop that seemed to last about five minutes?
Hang on what do I mean…….. used to ????
Worra complete star he is, the only person that can be cheerful at 7am soaked to the skin in Cleethorpes interviewing mono syllabic kids on their school holidays for breakfast tv.
Very funny comments above –
Quite sweet really The Co op and Cheggers both real British institutions.
What about me? It’s Jude! Fancy meeting up Keith?
Cheggers is ace! A real childhood hero and an all round nice guy. I was sooo happy when he and the lady off swapshop got married. Then sooo shocked when she did the sanitary towel ads on the radio in the early 80s. I mean ladies didn’t have periods then…
No you’re not – I’m Jude Law.
I’d like to interject at this point and say that no, the person writing here is not the real Mr Chegwin.
Keith is currently far too busy recording his all-new nude jungle gameshow “I’m a Circumcised Celebrity So Get It Out Of Me”.
With this, as well as his top secret reunion with Dame Noel of Edmonds on the revamped 70s smash hit ‘Multi-Coloured Slop Shop’, a new take on our old Saturday morning kids show – this time a late night Saturday show for drunken adults – Keith is hardly likely to be inhabiting online messageboards.
I’m Keith Chegwin’s nanny and I’m most disappointed he didn’t take a leaf out of Jude Law’s book. Bah.
This thread is now mentioned on Popbitch!!!
I’m lost for words….Keith Chegwin!
Normally, I’m only found hanging round various Scottish nationalist blogs, or with the comrades at ‘Lenin’s Tomb’ or ‘Socialist Unity’ blog (arguing at the moment about about collectivism and centralisation versus Scottish devolved government and solidarity ) or with the anti-zionists on ‘Jews sans Frontiere’ chewing the fat and putting the world to rights etc etc…. but Keith Chegwin!
This is like Karl Marx turning up on ‘Lenin’s Tomb’ for tea and garibaldi biscuits!
This has made my day!
All the best Keith C and Spiral Skies!
ps
I was directed here by the estimable Clairwill -
AN AMusing Things
07 Aug 2008
I live near Heathfield and sadly I missed the Keith Chegwin visit to Co-Op. Didn’t know it was happening till it was all over.
BTW the brand new refurbed co-op is already missing letters from it’s sign – took less than a couple of weeks! Small town boredom rears it’s ugly head.
I was sent here by Popbitch – your blog rules!
Lovin Cheggers.
I’m Keith Chegwin and so’s my wife!!!
…Sadistic, Smiling, Mummy’s boy Keith never told you how mean he was to his kid brother did he?
Keith, tell them all how mean you were to your kid brother…
2 words – Naked Jungle
yea, i remember stevie.
what a bully handsome keithy was back then eh.
making u do those photos an that.
sad business as i recall