Seeking September Sanity September 1, 2008
Posted by Jen in : Journal , trackbackSo it’s September how? Good Lord. And hello. Here I am, back from my jolly jaunt to Jersey. Off I went, full of longing and sentimentality for the place I grew up. Hmmmmm. 5 days of bullet grey skies, the beasts - severed from their PCs and gadgets - moaning about their terminal boredom and 1500 quids later, it all feels like a dream. Not a sentient dream but one of those crazy feverish dreams where everything is melded and blurred together like a watercolour left out in the rain.
My travel writing book went unread. My camera groaned at the drizzle, mist and monotone drabness. The barbecues on the beach as the tide whooshed in and the sun bent low went un-barbied. But hey ho. We swam in the sea and let the waves buffet and shove us about until my hair turned into a giant shredded wheat. I saw my little sis for the first time in six years. Caught up with the domestic doings of my parents’ neighbours. Listened to my daft duffer of a dad on repeat.
Daft Duffer, yowling with laughter (other diners looking over and tutting a bit): “Hilarious eh?” Isn’t that the best story you’ve heard?’
Son No. 1, smiling indulgently: ‘It was very funny the first time and reasonably so the second. It did lose a certain something on the third telling.
Gawd.
I really have changed since I left Jersey 6 years ago. We don”t notice time ticking on until we’re forcibly transplanted back in time.
Anyway. The travel writing? Pffffff. That can wait. In the meantime, I’ve been ploughing through Sophie King’s How to Write Short Stories. After the Cheggers chapter, I’ve learnt my lesson about dissing others. So I won’t mention the punctuation cock-ups in Sophie’s book. No, I won’t mention them at all. My teeth are itching though, that’s all I’ll say. Besides, I’m not sure I want to write ‘feelgood’ stories. I want to write stories that make people gasp. Make them wail. You there! Stop that smiling!
Time to dust off my lesbian vicar, methinks. Misery and weirdness are the way forward. Maybe with just a smattering of feelgood jollification, just in case I bump into it on life’s inevitable return journey. Being poked in the eye by one’s own story is so not good.
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Welcome back! Bad punctuation in a ‘how to write’ book? Career suicide surely…
The only time one of my stories ventures into the feelgood arena is with the odd touch of black humour. Go on, explore your dark side. It feels great, and much cheaper than therapy!
Welcome home, Jen
Great post! Sounds as if a good time was had by all.
Cripes, I keep checking this for punctuation (smile). But bad punctuation in that sort of book - not on at all.
Be kind to the Old Duffer. We all get to an age when we start repeating ourselves.
Did I mention, we all get to an age when we start repeating ourselves?
Too much ‘jollification’ is not good. Gives you wrinkles.
A smattering of angst and ‘grumpification’ is far less ageing, so I hear:-)
Bad punctuation in a ‘how to’? Tell me it’s not true!
Isn’t that rather the point of going away? That you come home again? Or is that just me being cynical?
hi, Sophie. king. Here. (Sorry, Sophie - I didn’t mean it - my punctuation is naff too!)
Welcome home, Jen - you should most definitely write a funny story -I’d buy it straightaway!
Oh what a shame the weather was so pants. I’ve just returned to work today (glorious sunshine) and the weather was rubbish for practically the entire 2 weeks I was off.
Still giggling at Annie Bright’s comment.
Welcome back. I had no idea you were harbouring a dusty lesbian vicar. Let her out immediately.
That Book is truly not very good. And I’m not talking about the travel writing one.
I’ve realised I get on much better with my family since moving away. Small doses are much healthier. (They probably feel the same about me, though it’s hard to imagine.)
Misery and Weirdness are Definitley the way forward. Who needs feel good? That’s what alcohol is for.
And a Lesbian Vicar eh? I have some LEsbian Nurses, we could pair them up together and have them do career talks to kids…
It takes a swim in the sea to turn your hair into a shredded wheat? You’re lucky madam, lucky.
Welcome back!
‘Time to dust off my lesbian vicar’?
What’s that a metaphor for?
Yvonne - I’m not sure the wimmins mags want dark humour… I want to write for them but suspect I’m not right for that market? Maybe I could put my characters in therapy until they’re suitable?
Pat - I’m not obsessive or anything. Oh, hang on, yes I am. used to work as a proofreader, you see. But still - that’s what proofreaders are for?
David - you do make me smile!
Lane - Grumpification rocks, especially if it means less crow’s feet. Bring on the black!
JJ - But, going away and coming back and which is home? Where am I? Who am I? Oh dear. I need a little drinkie. It’s the ‘coming home’ thing that bothers me. I don’t seem to belong anywhere now?
Annie - you are so naughty! There’s nothing wrong with not being good at punctuation but it is supposed to be fixed before publication. When I write some funny, I shall let you know immediately and you can buy it, typos and all!
Debs - the weather wasn’t just pants, it was huge, secondhand bloomers. Never mind; it’s only 3 pay-days ’til Christmas…
Karen - chortling at your small doses comment. So true. And the book’s not very good, is it? Further comments sensibly deleted due to fear.
Watching 9987 - Yeah! Booze for feelgood, writing for reality. Double yeah! Bring on the misery and lesbians. We’ve got the career thing sussed.
Thursday - does it count if it was just my leg hair I was talking about?
Paige - Cheers! Ah, metaphors indeed. You’ve no idea what I have hidden in my drawers
No 1 Son is obviously going to be a comedian of Cheggers- like proportions. Welcome back! (I said that once, but blogger ate it - naughty blogger!)
Welcome back. Going home is always so strange, but it sounds like you coped well enough.
Typos in writing books make me shudder!
Bring on the lesbian vicar with healthy servings of misery and weirdness! Sounds intriguing.
Sophie sells a lot of stories tho’. (I hate her for it, of course.)
Personally have been writing light n’ fluffy for few years now, aimed at the mags market. I’m not fantastically successful at it and along the way have virtually lost the ability to be dark and challenging, which is much more interesting. Snookered from all angles.
Sorry to hear Jersey was grey, but anywhere that teenagers find boring sounds great to me.
Whilst reading The Observer (from copy found left on train) come across an article by Victoria Green about the accidental death at aged 47 of Dave Freeman American writer of the book ” 100 Things to Do Before You Die” ” I can’t stop wondering how many things he actually managed to do before he joined his maker. God, you would be really pissed off if you got up to No.99! (I’m being flippant) So the moral of the story is “There is always someone worse off than you. TFx
Helen - My son? Like Cheggers? Ye gads woman, what sayeth thou?
Angie - I’m sure there’s a place in the writerly world for my lesbian vicar. Sadly, it’s probably not a place that’s going to generate an income.
Honeysuckle - You’re right, she sells zillions of stories and clearly has the market cracked. Irritating, isn’t it? I’ve nothing against light ‘n’ fluffy and it’s just as hard to write as the dark stuff. At least being slightly snookered is better than being a teen eh?
TF - He’d only done half the ‘things’ apparently - I read that on Zinnia’s blog. You’re right though, getting up to 99 would have been a real bummer. There is something sniggeringly bizarre about that though isn’t there?
Hi Jen, Welcome back. You always make me chuckle so let me know when the story’s ready. I’m also thinking of trying the short story market but not sure I know where to start! Not with SK’s book obviously?!
You’re obviously reading the wrong sort of self-help book. If I may be a bit forward, by how about, How to Write a Dirty Story.
It might help that lesbian vicar of yours get her bosom heaving. And as an added bonus, no one will really care about the bad punctuation!
I did search on, How to Write Miserable Stories, but nothing came up - a missing niche in the market?
The joys of the family holiday, eh? Why do we do it? Good to be back though, huh?
Don’t think I’ll be adding the SK book to my tbr pile then. Like Honeysuckle, I’m stuck in a light and fluffy groove and it’s darn hard to dig my way out.
Awww….I’m sorry Jersey was all grey and horrible….but your comment about catching up with the domestic doings of your parents’ neighbours made me roar with laughter. I share your pain…Conversations with my Mum usually go something like this -
Mum - ‘Do remember your Gran’s neighbour, Dora, who lived three doors down from her 30 years ago?’
Me - ‘No, I don’t remember her. I would have been three!!’
Mum - ‘She gave you a chocolate that time you hurt you knee’
Me - ‘I don’t remember hurting my knee - I was three!!’
Mum - ‘She used to wear…blah blah blah blah’
Me - ‘No, I was three!!!!!!!’
Mum - ‘Oh, Well her daughters boyfriends cousin has just bought a dog’
Me - ‘Aaaarrrrgggg’
In three weeks I’m sure I’m going to be having a conversation scarily similar to this one….families….don’t you just love em!!
C x
Welcome back!
I remember an uncle in law remarking how stroppy the women in my family were when I ‘d snapped after hearing my father repeat the same story four times in an afternoon.
That Sophie King book was reviewed on a closed writing blog I’m part of. Suffice to say, the feedback was not good…
Fionnuala - aw, you can be my guinea pig if you like?
McBobo - ah, yes, my very own misery niche. Fab. Am going to be plagued by vicars and their heaving bosoms now. Not sure why I typed that as if it were a bad thing…?
Maddie - there’s a lot to be said for light. But no, don’t bother with the book. It’s knickers. (Oops, just typed ‘knockers’ there by mistake. Must let my vicar re-invent the Carry On genre)
Carol - that’s it exactly! My mother was actually talking about writing a blog about the comings and goings of her neighbours! I think the comings of the naturist neighbours could be a seriously niche market though…
Tam - ta! Poor old Sophie - it’s probably fine for beginners… but even so…
Hello, too, and I’m glad you didn’t melt in the rain, and that no one tried to pour milk and sugar on your hair.
Are you sure your Papa was in Jersey last week? I could have sworn he was on Islay, masquerading as my own Dah.
Keep us posted about the Lesbian Vicar. Most promising.
Welcome back, Jen. Did you see any hot Jersey boys? Saw one on Debs’ blog. Wouldn’t mind the weather if boys like that are parading around the place.
I’m all agog about the lesbian vicar. More, more!
PS - your son is a riot.
Carol’s mom and mine are from the same egg, I swear! Drives me insane on a daily basis!
Bet you can’t eat three lots of Jen’s hair!
I’m surprised you regret the Cheggars incident, I thought it was one of the Great Blogging Events of this year.
Very impressed with the 5 am starts for the novel. You clearly do have a calling!
Leigh - I rather like the idea of having milk and sugar on my person. Then I would be very scrummy, oh yes.
Liane - My mother (who’s nearly 70!) and me did accidentally ogle some young surfer boys while they were getting changed. We looked longer than we should though I did resist taking photos. Must buy a zoom lens
Lucy - A calling to the funny farm, perhaps…
Hello I found your blog and through the black box widget. I just wanted to say hello!!!!!
SSC - Caroline’s widget is fabulous for showing us the way to new blogs. I secretly love it even more when it leads me to someone I already ‘know’ too though. Your blog looks terribly glamorous - something to mooch through with my cup of tea in the morning. And hello, by the way!
And did you send her a message back that said up yours!
Here via black box!!!!!!
Hmm. Perhaps’ Id better read Lynn Truss; book?
Ken - erm, no, actually. I am a very polite young lady, despite wayward appearances. Black Boxes widget is vee good, no?
Sophie/Kev - You are in so much trouble, Boyo! You do look good in those heels though
Bah! Rumbled.