Of Crappy Critiques September 10, 2008
Posted by Jen in : Novel , trackbackHmmmmm. Now I thought that, when writing a critique, it was the polite thing to do to sandwich the misery between two pieces of nice. My RNA critique, which I received yesterday, began thusly:-
You’ve written a novel, well done! Sadly, it’s crap.
Ok, I’m paraphrasing but, actually, not that much. Mrs Crit does say that I ‘have the ability to write’ though I suspect, having digested the rest of her words, that she means it’s surprising that someone like me has opposable thumbs and can actually hold a pen. Pfffff.
Here you go, have some lowlights:
Your plot does not work. This is because your characters do not work.
You classified your story as Romantic Comedy but where was the romance and comedy?
Two characters in first-person does not work for a reader: I have never come across a published novel where two principal characters are first-person.
You get the gist. She even told me that a man in his fifties would not wear a paisley scarf! Yes he would!! And I was slated for not using exclamation marks!!! Oddly, every book on writing I’ve ever seen has said that exclamation marks were pretty much forbidden. Bloody Nora.
So. One character was too bitchy and the other a stereotype who should have a bit of ‘gumption’. And the third should not be ‘officially sick of thinking’ but ‘heartily sick’. Heartily? Did I write the novel in the 1950s? Good grief. How can a literary critique complain about a scarf?
Please rest assured, dear reader, that as Mrs Crit is no doubt sharpening her teeth, ready for the shredding of someone else’s words, I am a little bit hungover. And a failure. And not funny.
Oh, woe is me. And bugger. And other swear words.
Comments»
Good grief love I feel for you, but remember this is one person’s opinion (and not a good one as the reference to the paisley scarf shows). Did you read Zinnia’s experience with a crit lately? Please don’t lose hope. If she thinks there was no romance maybe it just wasn’t the right thing for an RNA person to read it.
Repeat. You are not a failure but a talented and funny writer. (Write it on the mirror.)
xxxxxxx
Oh and yes I agree about exclamation marks. The point is to write in such a way that an exclamation mark is not needed, you get the gist from the writing.
You poor thing that must have been horrible to receive. But I agree completely with Helen that it’s just one person’s opinion (a person who obviously has a thing about scarves). If she was a decent critic she would know about the kiss-smack-kiss thing (as one teacher recently described the balanced criticism sandwich)
Also do check out Zinnia’s recent experince of crits and also Tam who had two widely differing views on her novel recently.
She is very very wrong about you not being funny - you make me LOL lots.
Finally, don’t give up - you are talented and funny and you can damn well write (ooh I’m very cross with Mrs Crit now!!!!!!!!)
I wouldn’t trust a Critter (hehe) who wants MORE exclamation marks! Unless you’re writing a text!! Or an email!?! In all seriousness, I’m sorry to hear about the negative review, but like the others said, it’s one person’s opinion. And you are so very funny m’dear. Perhaps she’s a bit slow?
xx
This sport of thing makes me cross - critique should not be a matter of opinion, but a considered application of thought, theory, and experience offered up as potential and possibilities. I am sorry you had someone who clearly isn’t aware of Miss Tickle’s rules.
I’ve worked with a lot of playwrights developing their work, and the first rule is to suggest and probe and guide, not to just criticise.
Grr. Makes me CROSS.
I am so angry for you!!!!!!!
Firstly, over using exclamation marks in always frowned upon!!!!! Show and not tell etc etc etc. And I always write at least 2 main characters first person. BBs has 2, novel 3 has 7!!!!!!! Grrrrrrrrrr!
Please do not let this crit stop you from following your dreams. Please.
*walks off swearing*
Cx
Dogsdammit.
Complain. You need a crit that’s helpful. Anyone can write a ‘bad’ crit, the skill of a critique is to offer advice and suggestions.
Who does Mrs Crit think she is?
She clearly knows nothing! This is only her opinion so please don’t be disheartened! She sounds like a class A b*tch! Aren’t crits meant to be positive? Aren’t they meant to explain how to make things better instead of just saying it’s bad?
I agree with Rachel. Complain.
And what’s with the ‘heartily sick’ business?? She’s an idiot! And how can she complain about the scarf! YOU created the character! If he wears a scarf, he wears a scarf! Goddamit!
I’m angry on your behalf! Grrrr! Stupid Mrs Crit!
Oh, well that’s all right, then. If she’d actually said anything useful, you might have had to take notice.
I can’t say it any better than those that have commented before me!! I agree with Rachel and Paige….complain and complain loudly…a crit is supposed to be thought provoking, helpful and insightful….it sounds like the person who did this for you didn’t know what they were doing. You are a very funny, talented lady and please don’t you forget it!!
C x
Ps. There is an award over at mine for you
Mrs Crit can’t be that well read. “The Woman in White”, Victorian best-seller, published many times, serialised on TV (not very well), has two primary narrators, who when it is all over marry each other, and a third, who is the villain, but to whom the author is obviously attracted. “Wuthering Heights” also has two primary narrators. So you are in good company. Accounts of the same event as seen through different pairs of eyes is an excellent technique and makes the story more convincing. Whether or not the characters appear convincing depends on the reader’s experience. I could write, and have done, about bad scientists with a total disregard for the truth, but most potential readers have no knowledge of their twilight world. I could not write about present-day teenagers.
Best wishes
Aww, Jen
That’s just SO BAD; the NWS is meant to encourage and help.
Don’t play into this person’s hands and feel discouraged - she clearly hasn’t any idea of what she’s talking about. There are quite a few books, both WF and children’s, that have more than one 1st person characters. As for the comment on the scarf; that’s just so ridiculous and shows even more how this person hasn’t the faintest idea what she’s talking about.
Unfortunately, every now and then a critter who has no right to call herself a critter worms the way in. I vaguely remember someone getting a crit like yours before. She complained and I’m almost sure she got another crit for free.
Whatever you do - don’t let this person prevent you from getting your novel ‘out there’. Don’t let her make you doubt yourself.
xxPat
Your reader clearly doesn’t know what she is talking about!!! I’ll give her more exclamation marks!!!
I’m feeling so indignant for you. But you are writer enough to know she’s talking crap and to ignore her. But you are wrong on one thing. You are NOT a failure and are very funny!
She’ll have egg on her face one day, for sure.
How unhelpful. I agree with what a couple of others have said, the point of a crit is to help and encourage and make suggestions for improvement. It’s not to make the writer feel crap about themself. I had a really bad crit for a short story I entered in a comp a while ago. Things like ‘dreadful’ and ‘I can’t imagine why anyone would want to read this’ were bandied about. It really knocked my confidence so I do empathise. Whoever wrote this crit really hasn’t a clue what their role is and you probably should complain. It’s inexcusable to make someone feel the way they’ve made you feel. Please, please don’t let this put you off. You are a funny and engaging writer and we all think you’re great.
I agree with all the above - a critique should be as objective a piece of prose as possible in terms of commenting on the text, not a series of subjective opinions designed to completely undermine the confidence of the writer.
Mrs Crit is confusing her role with that of a reviewer, who can be subjective as people will read his or her review because the reviewer has established a reputation for the worth of their observations over time.
No person who has confidence in their own opinion, which wasn’t over-inflated, would make that opening comment, or words to that effect - it is pathetically immature.
Reviewing has one advantage over suicide: in suicide you take it out on yourself; in reviewing you take it out on other people.
- George Bernard Shaw
To be sure (Shaw) to be sure (Shaw)…….TFx
This is appalling and not funny at all.
I’m in total agreement with DOT. This is not a critique but a subjective review. No ‘critiquer’ ever worth their salt would write such unconstructive twaddle. Mrs Crit must have known the effect it would have. Shame on them.
Please don’t let it get to you.
Helen - Yeah, I heard about Zinnia’s experience. I suspect it was the wrong sort of romance for the reader. Ho hum.
Jumbly - kiss-smack-kiss - I like that. Punch - airkiss- punch was how this one went. “It’s not all bad” she managed gallantly at the end. Ugh.
Angie - Critter - yeah! I like it!!
MissT - there was a definite lack of MissT rules. But I bet she’d look good in a frog transformation kit.
Caroline - I actually laughed when I saw how she’d penciled in exclamation marks all over the ms. I do wonder how she’s managed to not read novels with multiple first person?
Rachel - She did offer some tips… instead of launching into a scene, I should ease in with something like “Back in Laura’s warm but messy kitchen…”. I can see that fitting in. Not. Odd, to say the least.
Paige - I think the fact that she took exception to the aging fop who owns a Brighton art gallery wearing a scarf kind of diluted her more salient points. It’s just madness.
Leigh - it’s hard though, isn’t it? I do need to take notice of the good points she’s made. And, as you can imagine, lovely bf is loving the opportunity of telling me every five minutes: “You’re not funny, you know…”
Carol - ooh, an award, ta very much! That has cheered me heartily.
Stephen - Hello! In good company eh? Well I can’t ask for more than that. Could you arrange for your scientists to do something about my teenagers, d’you think? Seriously, though, there are many more novels I could name that use multiple 1st person - Nick Hornby for one. Ah well. See you tomorrow (if I can find my flute!).
Pat - Luckily, I’m not the puny type. I’ll take her useful points and implement them. Not this week though. But one day, definitely. Thanks for your emails; it means a lot. x
Pacha - Death by exclamation marks!!!!!! Raaaaaaaaaaaaah!!!!!!!
Thursday - Hope it’s a stinky one, still with a little bit of bird poo and a tiny feather that sticks to her hairy chin.
Helen - I quote “No publisher would be impressed by the opening chapters”. Luckily, those same awful chapters gained me 95% in the OU A215. Horses for courses maybe. Still stings though, doesn’t it? Nothing good comes out of being so harsh and even if the words are true, there are better ways of conveying it.
DOT - *shrugs shoulders* It’s lovely that you’re all being so supportive. I know I would never be so brutal when reviewing work of others. Maybe she just thinks she’s ‘to the point’. Ho hum. You live and learn.
TF - Love that quote!
Lane - Silly Mrs Crit. It’s hard not to just dismiss her critique and be all precious about The Novel but blimey! It’s not that funny though, is it? Twaddle just about covers a lot of it. Hey ho.
Oh, Jen, that’s awful, I’m cursing along with you. As the others have said though, it is only her opinion and it was obviously not her kinda book.
I’d be inclined to contact the organiser to tell her how you feel. After all the whole point of the scheme is to encourage new writers and to provide construct criticism, not to make them feel totally discouraged.
You are absolutely not a failure, Jen. Don’t let this one bad experience put you off. And tell the lovely boyfriend that you always make me smile.
xx
I feel for you, in a very real way. Don’t take it to heart any more than you have to, and certainly don’t believe it in your head. Well done Stephen OM - I knew I’d read books with more than one primary narrator, but couldn’t bring names to mind; well, those are two of them! Shall think hard about others, as I think you should collect evidence that Mrs Twit doesn’t know what she’s talking about - and, yes, make a (polite, considered, well-thought-through) complaint. As you know, it worked for me. And I think Maddiemoon is right that the organisers need to know - otherwise other poor aspiring novelists will be on the receiving end of Mrs Twit’s hatchet. You are funny and clever and a damn fine writer, as your A215 results attest. And Mrs Twit needs a good slap.
Oh, that’s horrible, but really….the scarf! ‘heartily’ sick! (cliché or what?), exclamation marks! What is she thinking of? And what’s with the POV problems - I love novels with more than one first peron POV. I even started writing one. (Remind me not to send it to the RNA if I ever write the other 77,000 words.)
I’d be inclined to write back critiqueing her critique and asking for a refund or a different reviewer. One who likes paisley scarves would be a start.
Has she never read any Marion Keyes who has written with three POV two of which in first person and Carol Mathews?
Exclaimation marks are unnecessary - and inrriating- the text should exclaim for you.
‘heartily’ is as bad a word as ‘chuckle’
My godfather had a paisley scarf at fifty - lots of men do.
I only read the first page of your novel. It made me laugh - not chuckle. I would be pleased that this critic didn’t like your work because I wouldn’t want to read anything by her.
So glad I couldn’t afford to join. Did ask for a discount for being on benefit. Big mistake. How affronted where they.
‘Oh God! See how getting angry makes my dsylexic worse!!!!!!!!!!’ Fiona said as she snatched back the paisley scarf she’d given Uncle Jack for his fiftieth birthday to show that she was secretly in love with him.
Uncle Jack had chuckled heartily and ripped off his jacket to show her his Iron Maiden t-shirt. ‘This is what fifty year olds wear!’ He exclaimed!!
I’m stunned by this. I can’t say any more than anyone has already said, but PLEASE tell me you will complain to the RNA? She cannot continue to crit people when she takes it all so personally.
PLEASE don’t stop writing. She’s wrong.
God! And ther’e me thinking my new wall of literary agent rejections was bad!
Anyway, I have one thing to say. Ignore the lunatic. STEP AWAY from the lunatic.
From what I can see here, you can write, with funny and poignant observations. Where do these people get the right to call slating something a critique.
Seriously, can you let me know who this was. I need to seriously avoid her becasue I’m thinking of sending my novel off for a proper critique service and if I send it to her I’ll head straight for a very tall bridge….Fx
Dear Jen, I’ve read, and loved, your blog for ages now and haven’t left a message before - however, after reading the above, I feel compelled to comment:
Firstly, Mrs Crit is a total bitch. Clearly a embittered, failed writer who gets off on trashing other people’s work because she’s too dried up and cowardly to produce anything herself.
Secondly, your writing is funny, intelligent and warm and because of this I am sure that your novel is all of these things.
I’d write back an abusive letter if I were you - she certainly needs to know that trashing someone’s work is not the way to go.
A x
ps 50 year old men SO wear paisley scarves! She deserves a good kneecapping for that comment alone.
Your critic enjoys criticising.
Your critic is insensitive to feels.
Her comments talk in absolutes and speak of rules to be applied.
None of these attributes seem helpful in a true critic.
Personally I blame Simon Cowell for giving petty power trippers licence to be rude and hurtful with “I’m only doing you a favour by being honest” weasel words.
She seems sad and bitter and angry.
You seem smilely and energised and happy.
I know which one gets my vote
I find it impossible to believe that you’re writing isn’t funny - you’re posts here regularly crack me up. The woman is obviously ‘heartily full of s**t’ and deserves nothing but rabid wolves and cowboy builders.
Don’t listen to her - I’ve read loads of fantastic novels with numerous first person viewpoints. Perhaps she’s read nothing since the fifties… Who knows.
Anyway, don’t let her stop you. Fight the power!
You are a fantastic writer, who keeps me compelled from the moment I start reading your blog posts until the end! Ignore the silly @&*!
Prithee, I am heartily fick of Mrf Crit. In fact, I think she if a Miff, if she doefn’t know romance when she seef it. Gadzooks and other such thingf. (No, I haven’t mixed up my s and f. I’m getting all medieval innit)
I like Thursday’s idea of finding out where she lives going round and throwing eggs at her. That was what you meant, right, Thursday?
I got two very different crits on mt teen novel. I assume one person is very clever and switched on and the other is less so. I further assume your critter has got crabs (or is that crabby - I get those two mixed up). Make your dissatisfaction known! Heartily!!!
((()))s. As it is now two days after you posted I hope the hangover is gone. What I suggest is the you get in touch with melanie and send her the crit. She will not have seen it. Some of the readers have a reputation for being unhelpful to say the least - you are the third thus far this year (I also know of two who have gone on to second reads and one of them is through to an agent). But please don’t sit and be down on yourself. Contact Melanie and let her know how you feel about the crit and why. It’s so important that she gets that feedback - you may save someone else from the pain that you are going through. You may also have the opportunity for someone else to read it - although they are backed up at the moment.
If you would like another opinion of the script I would be happy to read it for you.
lizx
I was going to mention Zinnia’s experience, but obviously it’s already been covered. This is not right. In fact it’s a travesty. You can write, that’s obvious to anyone who knows anything at all about writing. I’ve read your sample and it’s bloody good. You need to send it somewhere else. Get back to them, get your money back and send it to either the Hilary Johnson Advisory Service, or someone at The Writers Workshop. Whatever you do, don’t heed the review.
…ooh, that last bit rhymed.
…just thought, maybe she was jealous and is planning to steal your novel and claim it as her own? Okay, I’m going now.
Maddie - I’m not going to give up writing or anything. I think it’s just one to put down to experience. How did you get on with yours? Oh, and I bet Mrs Crit hasn’t got any Fit Flops. We are way cool as well as ace.
Zinnia - Nick Hornby with his suicidey book? I think that’s what’s irritating me about the crit - it’s hard to take on board the salient points when she has so dogmatically stated incorrect facts. You’re quite right: I shall complain when I am less cross.
Honeysuckle - If you really must write a multi 1st person novel, please ensure that you are wearing a paisley scarf at all times. That is all.
Fiona - Good God woman, I read your comments on email and spurted laughingness all over my keyboard. I think my boss found it odd that typing about bits of grass should bring about such merriment. You are ace.
JJ - I think maybe it was just all a bit much for her - she said she didn’t like the characters because they were “always on the booze”. I think she may prefer something a little moral. Which is fine. She could have been a bit more polite though. I hope her dentures rot.
Fionnuala - your comment has made me realise that at least will stand out from the onslaught of dull rejection letters that are bound to accumulate
If I knew who it was, I’d certainly whisper it in your ear. But, well, there’s obviously a reason they do it anonymously!
Angie - Wow, thank you for making a comment and being so kind. It means loads that people are being so supportive.
McBobo - “Insensitive to feels”? Methinks she is not getting enough feels which is why she did not approve of the sex. She should arrange more feels and some tickling with a paisley scarf. You inadvertently made me smile even more with that. Cheers!
Watching9987 - or cowboy hats and line dancing, which are almost worse than cowboy builders? Raaaaaaaaaaaah. (That was the power with which I am fighting.)
Annie - Aw, fanks luvvie.
Tam - Ooh! Ooh! Your medieval gadzooks reminded me of Rent-a-Ghost and gave me an idea for a new story. You are a genius! I suppose crits are bound be be subjective - maybe the trick is to keep getting the same thing reviewed until someone says what we want them to?
Liz - cheers for that - I may well take you up on it once I’ve retrieved the ms from the shredding bin. I definitely will contact Melanie. I’m really totally fine about the whole thing now and can see it in perspective though the crit really isn’t positive. It comes across as having been written by someone on a moral crusade. Interesting what you say about not being the only one. I’ll bear it all in mind, thanks Sweetie.
Karen - I suspect The Novel may have gone to pot after the first 3 chapters. But then she hated those too. I’ll certainly re-write at some point and take your pointers to other ‘critters’. Am impressed with your rhyming wisdom!
Jen,
Catching up on all your news - I’ve been a bit out of the blog-loop of late.
Mrs Crit sounds like an unhelpful old bag - and I mean that most heartily AND officially!!!!!!!!!!!!! To be honest, she sounds very out of touch. I agree with what others have said, crits are supposed to be constructive and helpful - not just an exercise in negging out writers with heaps of potential - and a brilliant sense of humour. If I read of a Critter strangled by a Paisley scarf, I promise I’ll say nothing.
Chin up, sweetie.
Mya x
Mine hasn’t come back yet. The arrival of the postman each morning sends me all a dither. Will let you know when I hear.
You’ve got Fit-flops too? Gosh, we should start an owners’ club.
Glad you’re feeling better about it all, but make sure you get that complaint in!
Hey, just remember that Decca turned down signing The Beatles.
Hey, I missed this post! Sorry hon. I seem to have missed the boat, but still - bleurgh to the crappy review, and I still think you’re funny.
You can content yourself with the fact that she probably saw something disburbing in the wood shed when she was six which made her such a jobbie head.
Send her to me and I will sort her out, what a poopy lady. I know who I would rather have round for dinner.
Oh dear, poor you. Sorry I wasn’t around to read this sooner and give you the cuddles when you really needed them.
I think you’re fab, so funny and amazing too. Your writing is clever, pithy, gripping and heartening to read. I still giggle about your story of the wee boy who asked if you did crisps too when he spotted you breast feeding.
Like Mc-Bobo, I think she is ‘insensitive to feels.’ He can be so gorgeously foreign at times, he makes me giggle too.
You rock sista!
Oh Jen that’s horrible. I don’t blame you for being fed up.
I can’t believe that someone who writes such an entertaining blog that so many of us enjoy so much could possibly write as badly as your crit seemed to say.
Definately don’t give up. I would like to tell you not to be upset, but I know I would be if someone had critiqued like that.
Dx
Ah what everyone else said Jen. Chin up hon
I have no experience of getting professional criticism, but this person does not sound like she knows what she’s doing. In particular, the last phrase you mentioned: “…I have never come across a published novel where two principal characters are first-person.” is blatantly incorrect. Or at least it may be literally true, but that just means she hasn’t read much.
I would get one or more second opinions, if I were you.
Mya - You’re quite right, she probably is just a little out of touch. Hey ho. At least you didn’t say ‘chins up’.
Maddie - At least yours can’t possibly be worse than mine! Do let me know. Maybe yours has been sent of for a second reading? Ooh, that would be groovy.
Bedshaped - She loves you yeah yeah yeah… theme tune of the Romantic Novelists Association. Or maybe they have adopted the Jaws theme tune.
B - aw, thanks honeybun.
Hulla - I’ve never thought of Bobo as being foreign before. is that what happens when people end up in Scotterland?
Debs - Maybe I should stick to blogging? Bitesized Jen might be just the right dose to avoid nausea?
Breezy - Thanks Lovely. It’s really not so bad in the grand scheme of things.
Cap’n Black - I shall rewrite and re-submit. Bring on the paisley scarves! Battle will commence with a-singing and a-scarf-swinging. Ahem.
I’m really late here (’net was down) but my God! That is not a critique, it’s a hatchet job. The woman has issues with scarves and an exclamation mark fetish - and she’s a critter?
Anyway, like I mentioned when something similar happened with Zinnia, it’s good prep for when editors start vetting your stories as they make the rounds of publishing houses. Different ones tend to say radically different things about the same story: The characters are not believable, says one. Great characterization, chants another. Slow start, says a third. Great build-up of tension, says the next. And on, and on…
This is such a subjective business. I think you need to get a second opinion, and quick. That is NOT constructive criticism.