Of Sneaky Subconsciousness October 24, 2008
Posted by Jen in : A363 Open University, Journal , trackbackDeary me. And *sigh*. You get the drift. Somewhere along the way recently, I’ve fallen into a big, black hole. I didn’t see it coming at all and must assume that someone had covered it over with a leaf or something to trick me good ‘n’ proper.
It hasn’t been much fun inside the hole – in fact, the (w)hole thing has been rather crapsome. Crapulous. To the power of 67 with poo on top. *Sigh*
My writing and course oomph has not broken down so much as been machine gunned against a wall until slumped hopelessly, beyond resuscitation. I just don’t know if I’m up to the job. The forum where we post up bits of writing/assignments is full of top-notch stuff. Needless to say, there are no dripping wounds of mine up there. People’s TMAs are sitting proudly, being polished and buffed before submission next week.
Me? I still have my limping Rentaghost wotsit rumbling away. Yesterday, I could see some glimmers of light sneaking into the hole. I bailed out of yet another rehearsal with The Orchestra of the Undead, stuck my head in my books and tried to have some thoughts. I would study, be vino-free and go to bed with Alan Ayckbourn and wake up to an epiphany of the highest order.
And, I swear, despite almost being of the age now where I have to defend my old-fogey music as timeless classics that this is not something that should be in my Brian for any reason.
The hole is taunting me; the 2am epiphany that woke me with my heart thumping was this. *Sigh*
[youtube][/youtube]
Comments»
Now listen, because I’m not going to tell you again - you’re good at this! There’s no need for crapulousness and I hope it’s soon over.
Do you get to write what you want on this A363? I wonder whether it’s trying to fit yourself into a mould that really isn’t you that’s causing you problems? Look at what you’re really good at - and the writing in your blog is very good, very funny and entertains lots of people, so pick apart what makes it good, funny and entertaining and apply those elements to whatever else it is you’re writing.
Ah, I make it sound so easy. Now, I just have to be as strict with myself and I’ll be sorted…
Jen Jen Jen. *hugs* The course only started three weeks ago and you have a whole week before the TMA is due. Stop beating yourself up. There is PLENTY of time for that much, much later.
I bet that for every beautiful draft TMA in your tutor group there is someone sitting at home hyperventilating going ‘OMG i can’t do this, that is far too good.’ I posted a message about this on my tutor group and everyone was really nice, and I bet people would be very supportive of you too if you give them the chance.
*hugs* again. This is only 7.5% of your final course mark. IF you do badly on this - which is unlikely; you still have a week to go, plenty of time to draft and revise and edit and polish - it’s still not the end of the world. Promise.
I am only saying this because it might help but I really know it wont: I am right there with you. I have not written a word. I have not even had an idea of what I will write. I intend on trying to get something down this weekend. Unfortunately, this will not help your predicament much as yours does not help mine (although it sure is good to know I am not the only one).
Lots of hugs, Honey. You can do it, you can. These moments when we feel like everything has been shot down in flames are so hard to cope with, but you will - because you have the talent and the drive. It’s still there even if it doesn’t feel like it.
Okay I give up. What’s a TMA? To me it means Tycho Magnetic Anomaly from 2001 A Space Odyssey. Somehow I don’t think you mean that.
The trick with people who are good at something, is to be inspired by them, rather than jealous of them. That way you gain enthusiasm instead of self-doubt. That’s what I try to do, anyway.
Things can escape from black holes. It’s a scientific fact. You just have to stand at the event horizon, create an anti-particle of yourself, let that fall into the hole and you’ll be free to escape!
Bark.
You are a fabulous writer - STOP doubting yourself!!!!!!
Honeysuckle - I suspect there is general crapulousness in my soul right now. We can more or less write whatever we like, within certain constraints of genre. I like being in a mould; left to my own devices, I flail about like a non-swimmer in the deep end. It’s tricky to see yor own words objectively, isn’t it? Hmmm. I’m coming round to get strict with you next!
B - You are quite right, there are a few people not posting at all on the worshop forum. A week’s a long time in politics and writing - is that what they say? No? Oh well.
Kate - There is comfort in knowing we’re not the only ones. Maybe we’re being too hard on ourselves - it’s a Level 3 course. We’d be right boffins if we were breezing through it. A bit of angst will give our writing (when we finally do some!) an edge. Or something. Would you like to share my lovely hugs?
helen - Aw, thanks. I do hate moaning. Why does the oomph insist on buggering off when we need it most, eh?
Herr Black - you are quite barking but I like you. TMA = Tutor Marked Assignment. Not as exciting as your spacey stuff really. If I become an anti-particle of myself, will it make me a bit thinner, I wonder?
Amanda - You are scary. Will pull self together forthwith.
Two words, Hullaba Minibus - come and join us for a night of fun an unfermugulated Wotsits. It will be a tonic, really it will.
I’ve got a humdingbanger of a cold and am trying not to snotter over people at work. I am eating cheese onion crisps for comfort. It isn’t helping and neither is Sudafed. Oh pooh!
Got any red wine? I fancy opening a bottle.
Hulla
xx
Stop worrying so much (says she of bugger all confidence, who didn’t even have the courage to take the course in the first place) going by your creativity on this site, your writing must be pretty damn good.
Crapulousness of the soul’s pretty gruesome, so I hope it goes away soon to be replaced by fabulousness.
Re: the mould thing. Rather than flailing about, try making your own mould. Tell yourself you have to write in a particular genre and then do it. I can only compare it to writing lesson plans - I dither for ages (hours, honestly…) about what I should teach them but once I’ve made that basic decision the other more practical stuff flows more easily. That’s possibly absolutely no help at all, in which case, my apologies…
Hi Jen this gave me a very spooky moment when I listenned to the music. Last weekend the OH was wittering on about some song that kept popping into his head from ???????. He eventually googled the words and found the u-tube linK and his website. He spent a couple of days trying to find a copy to download without success, it only seems to be available on a compilation. And what song was it? Words. How weird is that? The OH wants to know if you like a particular song by Climie Fischer : Love Changes Everything. You can find that on U-tube aswell. And have you two met in a past life?
And don’t worry about your first TMA you’re writing is excellent and original and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
But I’m in your OU group, workshop A (phew!) but your writing IS good. Please have confidence in yourself!
Gx
Walk to the fridge/wine cellar. Open door. Reach inside. Grab bottle of wine. Remove cork or unscrew. Get wineglass. Pour wine into glass. Now raise glass to your lips and drink. Feeling better yet? If not, repeat above until a drunked state is reached
Mind over matter TFx
The only thing to do in this situation is - WRITE. ANYTHING. Anything at all, then something will come out of it, promise sweety!
That is sweet not sweat btw!
Hullabalooooo - wine is the answer. To everything. Oh yes. We are sooooo going to meet up for a teeny tiny drinky one day. Really.
Debs - it’s really a lack of everything, as much as confidence. Boo hiss @ real life.
Honeysuckle - Crapulous soul currently being diluted with vino. I actually, seriously, had never thought of self-imposed moulds and constraints. You are a ruddy genius. I might love you!
Sheepish - Oh, how weird is that? I do remember ‘Love Changes Everything’ - the singer had a really nasal voice! They don’t make ‘em like that anymore (thank goodness). All that era of songs reminds me of clubbing and listening to Radio 1 roadshows in the summer and wishing I didn’t live on a boring, tiny rock. Past lives? Ah, now you’ve brought me back to my TMA! Spookeeeeeeee…
Gill - ooh, ‘eck. I wish I could. Maybe you’re mistaking me for someone sensible? I do feel rather the dunce. Must try harder.
TF - Doing it. See? Hic.
T&C - Sweaty! You meanie! Behold my furrowed brow and tell me I smell of petals - or else! I know. Write. But I do need to study too. Grrrrr. And pfffffffff.
I thought you sounded like you needed cheering up so I hope you enjoy this little ditty
Under the spreading chestnut tree
the village smithy sat
amusing himself
by abusing himself
and catching it in his hat
You’ll get there hon
C x
Oh the the sweet power of transferential projection, everyone else is but sailing through the TMA except for crapulousness you. I rather feel the expression “tommy rot” needs resuscitating, possibly with “piffle” and “balder dash” too.
You are a clever and funny woman who can expressively chew through a TMA like a latter day Ted Hughes, but without the suicides and weirdness and stuff.
As for your general crapulousness of the soul. Well, crapulousnessness is like bad weather. It passes. See what you can learn from it, and then wave it good bye as it leaves, and the sunnyside up Jen blooms again.
Jen you need a better theme tune. This one always works for me http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=XgDrJ5Z2rKw
but you have to join in with the dance
ps drawing the curtains first is optional but I’d advise evicting sprogs and significant others to get the full benefit
“I just don’t know if I’m up to the job.”
YOU ARE!
P.S. I quite like that song (is that sad?)
Oh Jen, you are so good and funny but I know how you feel now. I don’t know how to make it better or what to suggest to you except I know it will pass.
And, in the meantime, you could always drink wine.
Big hugs to you.
Carol - Ew… will you be producing an illustration for that ditty?
McBobo - You and you McClever psychomagical talk. Can I keep the weirdness but do without the suicides please? And you’re right; crapulousness does pass. It’s just hard to remember that when it’s beating our brains out…
Breezy - he sure does have some moves. I like the audience with their fancy, hip hand-clapping style.
Paige - I actually might not be. Really. But I will never sink so low as thinking that song’s good
JJ - You’re right, it probably will pass. If it doesn’t, or it turns out that I am indeed crapulous, then I shall give up. No one will die. I will learn French and the classical guitar instead. Then the neighbours will really hate me. Oh God, I’m doomed.
Lol at Carol’s inspiring ditty.
There’s a fine line between responding well to a deadline and succumbing to the Pressure Monster, and you’ve crossed it missus.
I’ve had a word with your spiritual husband, Cheggers, and he said, “Wha-hay” and then he said, “submit something, anything love, and once you’ve got your marked assignment back you’ll have something to work with,” which just proves he’s a sensible chap at heart. Either that, or give up the naughty course and do what you’re best at (NO, not that!) - writing what comes naturally.
But that’s me talking and I’m nowhere near as sensible as Cheggers.
This talk is making me think twice about doing anything with the OU. If you can’t cope, how the hell shall I?
I now have that song stuck in my head. I think I might even have to buy it on itunes.
Karen - Don’t make me laugh when I’ve got the glums! I’m a stubborn f*cker and I will not submit anything half rate. No matter what Cheggers says. He should know me better than that. I’ll get there if it kills me!
Paige - Buy it. I dare you. OU’s cool, it’s just crushing it into real life that’s the bugger. But most things can be overcome with wine and a decent dose of dodgy 80s music. So long as you don’t get the matching haircut. There *are* limits.
Those pesky holes. Can’t they put great big neon man hole covers on them to give up a bit of warning.
Hope this is passing my dear. You are the antithesis of crapulous.
You must be a proper writer because this is evidently proper writer’s block you’ve got!
I haven’t listened to the video as the computer is permanently muted, and I have a feeling I might want it to stay that way and not be getting earworms and epiphanies and the like.
I think feeling crap and not up to it must happen to everyone if it happens to you. Hope it passes soon and you remember how good you are!
Your back up plan is French and Classical Guitar (why not put them together and play guitar while singing in French?). Mine is food. Cake and biscuits and veggie meals that even carnivores enjoy, mmmm. It’s always good to have a back up plan. If nothing else, it takes some of the pressure off the main plan.
Hope you’re managing. I still don’t have a TMA draft. Not panicking. Yet.
Thought I saw someone else down the black hole with me. (Isn’t that a ride at Alton Towers too??)
Thank you very muchly for the iTune. You’re a sweetie. I really like it.
X
Lane - Neon man hole covers? All sounds a bit Julian Clary, no? Yes, it’s passing. Phew.
Lucy - I think it’s been more of a ‘life block’ than anything else. I think I must be proper writer as I’m a potential misery-guts. Don’t listen to the video. You are to lovely: it will spoil you. Earworms and epiphanies? Ooh, a rather bizarre futuristic poem title perhaps?
B - How about I come round to yours, play the guitar and shrug Gaelic stylee while you rustle up some top nosh? Then we will drink some wine and plan our new lives. In the morning, we will have big headaches and wonder what our failsafe plans were? Panic? I’m revving up to it. I’ll race you!
Nez - At least I’m in good company if we’re in the hole together. Glad you liked the tune. Can’t go wrong with a bit of Martha Tilston; a bit of stroky folky music is just the ticket sometimes.
Come on, my girl. You can do it! Shake off the shackles of inadequacy and rise up, phoenix-like and magnificent!
Introduced Teen Daughter to Phlegmsips on your recommendation. That’s OK isn’t it?
Now Jen, I’m going to put you on the naughty step if this keeps up. Consider this your warning! You are a brilliant writer. repeat after me, ‘I AM A BRILLIANT WRITER’ Use it as a mantra. Twice every minute and by tomorrow you’ll believe it again….x
Tam -Teens on plegmsips? Ooh, yes, much cheaper than alcopops. Shackles shaking. I do sound rather like Jimmy Saville with all this jangling though.
Fionnuala - Erm… actually, you and Lane are entirely to blame (sounds like the start of a limerick!) for the tangential lurch in my story to include knitting. Because crochet doesn’t make a noise. But you’re still to blame though. Could you rustle up a beret for my pantomime horse?
Will definitely share those hugs - all that i have written so far needs to be re-written since it is a little too close to the bone. Away with the 1st eprson life writing narrative and in with 3rd person fictional narrative - I suppose I better get writing tonight rather than watching films and eating pizza like I did last night.
Dr Leigh prescribes a dose of The Ting Tings to get you out of this. Listen twice a day for a week, and you’ll be renewed with vigour and youthful determination (not to mention the admiration of your kids for your really cool taste in music).
It’s possible, of course, that you might suffer a bad reaction to this medicine, in which case I must reluctantly advise you to abstain immediately; but it’s worth a try.
Kate - I often find that watching telly and drinking wine doesn’t get my TMA done either. Do you think we should include it in the unofficial A363 Study Guide? (Glad you got there in the end though)
Leigh - The Ting Tings? I say, old girl, I’m not sure it’s the done thing, going round prescribing doses of the Young ‘n’ Trendies in public.
Hi Jen,
If it’s any consolation (a bit after the fact, I know!) I had a total meltdown over my TMA too, and ended up scrapping the piece I had almost finished in order to start afresh with about four days to go!! I got there in the end though - by the skin of my teeth, however. Hope you get a cracking mark for yours ~ you’re a cracking writer after all.
Helllloooooooooooo, where are you? I feel like a very lost Tigger without you, honeybear.
Hulla
xx