Of Telephonic Torture December 1, 2008
Posted by Jen in : Journal , trackbackOh my good God. It is, as I type these words of nonsense, 06.22am. Stumbling out of bed and groping blindly towards the stairs this morning, my heart leapt out of my body. It was that worst thing: the phone ringing. At 6 on the dot. And everyone knows that if the phone rings that early, it’s Bad News. And Bad News that happens on a Sunday in the dead of night is likely to involve… well, something terrible, that’s for sure.
‘Hello?’ I answered fearfully.
There was ominous silence… the gap between caller speaking and the delivery of the Something Terrible. I crept down the stairs, finally switching on a light and putting away my mobile phone which I’d been using as a torch.
‘Hello?’ I asked again. The caller couldn’t speak, obviously overwrought with Terribleness.
My heart pounded. I literally stood there, trembling. The line had gone dead. I dialed 1471. Taking a deep breath, I clicked ‘3′. I paused, daring it to ring, barely able to breathe again. Jumping as my mobile started to vibrate urgently in my dressing gown pocket.
‘Hello?’ I whispered hesitantly into my mobile. The News must be Bad – no one ever calls my mobile. It must be Mum – or Dad. Proper Bad News.
My discovery, as December unfolds stormily before us?
I am a complete and utter spaz. Accidentally pressing ‘redial’ on my mobile as I used it as a torch. Then being in such a state that I stood there, uncomprehendingly redialing my mobile from the land line.
The week can only get better from here. Can’t it? Oh.
Comments»
LOL. Oh dear, yes, let’s hope it gets better.
I swear I’m not laughing at you. You must have been terrified. And it’s Monday morning.
But your lack of appreciation of the coincidence involved – maybe not the first one, but the ‘I’m dialling a mobile number and omg my mobile is ringing!’ – ah bless.
I’m laughing. With you, not at you, honest….
Not so much LOL as a quiet chuckle to myself. This is what we used to call a case of MVS: Mankind versus System.
I’m looking forward to your next “I ran away from my shadow” story…
Awww, sweet Jen…and you were so ahead of the game, using your mobile as a torch. At the technology all works, even if you don’t, lol!
omg you poor thing (sorry I am chuckling too). Great idea in principle though using mobile as torch – could save me tripping over cat like I normally do.
December can only get better, especially as weather is now being suitably festive
What a fright you gave yourself. I did have a giggle, I have to admit, but reading your post was so frighteningly like something I would do. I’ve had my mobile for two years now and still can’t work all the bits properly. Mind you, all I want the damn thing for is to make/answer calls, or send/receive texts, not photograph, play music and play games on it.
Your mobile has a torch? Does it have a screwdriver set too? Or more importantly – a corkscrew.
Seriously – night time calls are no fun. Even if they are self inflicted:-)
I know what you mean about late night/early morning phone calls. Your post made me laugh when I read it and then at lunch time when hubby couldn’t unwrap a cheese slice because he couldn’t see the red bit to pull (he’s colour blind). Thing is, this time there wasn’t a red bit – like there usually is – to show where to unwrap it.
For some reason that reminded me of your post and I started giggling again.
Oh, you do make me chuckle.
It’s like turning one tap on and putting your hand under the other one.
)
Did you wake everyone up in the house? (At least you didn’t ring someone else from your mobile!)
Oh dear, that sounds so much like the kind of thing I’d do xxx
JJ – Sometimes, things are just large pantaloons from the moment we wake up, innit?
B – But it was early…
Cap’n Black – Ah, but you should see my shadow first thing. ‘Tis truly a vision of terror.
McBobo – I do often think I’m being terribly clever. And then the Universe points out to me that I’m not. Yin and yang, yeah?
Jumbly – Ooh, yes, torch/mobile vee good for non-cat standing. Works particularly well for me since I don’t have a cat.
Debs – I’m gonna have to get a phone that can’t make phone calls either.
Lane – Ooh, yes, a corkscrew attachment would be tres snazzy, as they say in France. Self-inflicted phone calls = very embarrassing. Especially when everyone asks who was on the phone in the middle of the night. ‘It was me.’ ‘But who was on the other end?’ ‘Er, that was me too.’ Oh, the shame.
Pat – Oh, your poor hubby. Do you think he’d like to be in my gang?
Nez – That tap thing is a killer, isn’t it? It’s like our brains are determined to catch us out. Or is it the sinister tap that has it in for us? Hmmm. The world is a conniving place.
Helen – At least I’m in good company then!
I sympathise with you but can I suggest you ask for a normal torch from Father Christmas it would make your life so much easier. Or maybe turn the lights on before going downstairs!!!!!!!!!!!
Sorry hon….I giggled too…but I didn’t roar with laughter…and that was only cause I could see myself doing something scarily similar. (I’m not known as donut for nothing!!)
C x
Dear Jen,
Your writing/story telling is so good that I read it slowly, as usual. I was gripped to my seat hoping all was well with your family, in Jersey. Thanks be to God it had such a happy ending, love.
Sheepish – oh, but a normal anything is much less fun! Light, you say? Hmm, making life easier AND being normal? No, sorry, it all sounds far too sensible.
Carol – Aw, I am going to be your divvy donut pal when you move back to Blighty. We could start a cult?
Mars – Sorry Sweetie. But I bet your heart wasn’t pounding as much as mine was. I’m still shaking!
Ah, but it was only 6.22am! No one acts sensible at 6.22…
LO very L! I’m so glad its not just me….Fx
I am just taking great comfort from knowing there is someone else in the world likely to do this kind of stuff. Thank you.
Oh, Jen. You do make me laugh. (And boy do I need a laugh right now.)
I understand the incomprehension, though: on Sunday, I stood, bemused, as I withdrew a cold chicken from the top oven. Almost as bemused as I had been, an hour previously, as to why I had switched on the main oven… just a moment before switching it off. Sadly, I had not been at all bemused about the complete lack of heat coming out of the top oven (as I put the chicken in), because I hadn’t even noticed.
Ah, well. It wasn’t quite the same having microwaved frankfurters and Smash for Sunday lunch, but at least they were hot.
Honeysuckle – Sadly, that’s pretty much when I peak. It’s all downhill from there.
Fionnuala – Maybe it’s the writing that makes us a bit dopy?
Loth – Pleasure.
Leigh – Oh dear, I can empathise entirely with your chicken situation. I wish we could convince ourselves that these things happen because our minds are on a higher plane. Sadly, I think that would merely add ‘delusional’ to our list of inadequacies.
ha ha ha, hahahahaha, ha ha ha HA (ow)
That’s so funny – I had to read it out to my daughter who said, ‘that sounds like you Mum.’ Ahem.
Night-calls are no laughing matter though. We occasionally get them because my husband’s business number is similar to a local taxi company’s. Grrr.
Zinnia – Careful now. I don’t want you bursting your seams. Bursting one’s seams is always messy and generally not recommended before the Christmas jollity is over.
Karen – I think it’s ruddy marvelous that we’re all as bad as each other. I might get a new phone number and see if I can become a taxi driver. There again, there are no taxis here. No one wants to come to this little village and, if they do, they’re not allowed to leave again. Odd but true. Mwah ha ha haaaaaaa.
Oh, you poor dear! Early morning calls are the worst, and to find out you called yourself! (*snickers* Ahem, sorry about that.)
It must get better for it’s nearing the weekend, which is always best anyway.
P.S. There’s an award for you over at mine.
xx
This post had me in stitches! You are lovely!
Your letter for the Meme is P.
Couple of awards for you over at mine!
Angie – ’snickers’ is such a good word. When I am an American, I will be snickering all the time, simply because I like the sound of it so much. Ta for the award
Paige – I am more insane than lovely. But thank you. *blushes becomingly*
I am so relieved to read this.
And you are so funny, really,really funny. In a good way:)
Oh lovely lovely irony. I love irony it can be so ironic sometimes…
Perhaps just one of those things the universe does to prove all is not as awful as it might be…
So sorry but that made me laugh and laugh. Which I shouldn’t do because I went through all of Wednesday thinking it was Thursday, then couldn’t understand why a certain Friday publication was missing in action the next morning. I think I’m back on the regular calendar now, but any last shreds of confidence in my sanity have vanished around here.
Fiona – does ‘a god way’ mean that I can stop the medication now? Oh.
Lucy – Cosmic wizardry at its best. I love ironic irony the best.
Liane – Oh no, living on a different day to everyone else is most confuzzling indeed. Shreds of sanity are pointless. Best to add them to some marmalade and have them with hot toast and tea. That’s what a sane person would do, I’m telling you.