Ok then: 5 Things January 30, 2007
Posted by Jen in : Bits and Pieces, Journal, Writing Bits , 6commentsI was tagged recently to write five things that people don’t (generally) know about me. So, here you go:
I have quite skinny legs - similar, in fact, to my dad’s sparrow legs and string-width ankles. As soon as I get back from work, I rip off my suit and put on black thermal pj bottoms and one of lovely bf’s massive, massive fleeces. They come down to my knees. My skinny, drainpipe pyjama’d knees. I therefore look like Max Wall in drag. Gorgeous, I tell you.
Um… I applied for a job in a swanky law firm once. They called my then boss for a reference. He had been out for something of a liquid lunch. His reference?
‘Oh, I can’t speak highly enough of her,’ he said. ‘She has great tits and she can really hold her drink.’
Strangely enough, I didn’t get the job.
I am a secret Emmerdale watcher. I love it. I even record it. Sad, I know. I don’t watch stuff like Harry Hill’s TV Burp though. Oh, ok, I do. Bugger, you caught me out.
What else? Oh, in the privacy of my own home, I drink sherry. Maiden-aunt type sherry - Harvey’s Bristol Cream, in fact. I know. The shame. Part of my drinking addiction is due to confession Number 5, which follows hereunder.
Lovely bf is not lovely at all. He is a geek, a freak and, in his most recent display of splendour, a dancing coat hanger. Evidence below. Please, believe me, I had no idea when I started going out with him. You DO believe me, don’t you??
Hells Bells January 22, 2007
Posted by Jen in : Bits and Pieces, Journal , 7commentsI’ve been tagged. And I aint (should that have punctuation?) never been tagged before. I might kill Kate. Or torture her a little bit. She’s young. I could play Level 42 songs or something. That would teach her, don’t you think?
So… 5 things nobody knows about me. Everyone knows everything about me. And the things they don’t know, NOBODY knows. And, um, that’s for a reason. Well, some people know some things. But nobody knows everything. Maybe people are like jigsaws? Some of the insiders have more pieces than others, can understand how they might fit together. The really special people get the corner pieces. I guess they decide for themselves what they want to do with them.
I will have to think about it. 5 things heh? Hmmmmm…
Am a miserable bugger. My funny is hiding. Is that Number 1? Maybe. Nah, everyone knows I’m a miserable bugger.
Crumbs, this is more tricky than I thought? Will think about it some more.
Innovative and Magical… Erm… Shoes!!! January 16, 2007
Posted by Jen in : Bits and Pieces, Journal , 6commentsYay! And hurrah!! You’ll never guess what I’ve found? Yes, ok, the clue was in the title. Yet, verily I say unto you, I have discovered the miracle of Magic Shoes. They are not only very good for Walking About, they also Make You Thin.
It must be true. I read it in a magazine. An advert. With a photo of a pretty lady Actually Wearing The Shoes. And I have to say, she was Very Thin. See? True, I tell you. Earth shoes “help you shed pounds, improve your posture, banish cellulite and reduce stress”. Apparently.
I think there is some sort of scientific mumbo-jumbo to back up these claims. But ‘Magic Shoes that Make You Thin’ is as much technomalogical info as I need ta very much.
I haven’t quite managed to buy said Magic Shoes yet - I was all excited about them and thought I’d share the potential joy with lovely bf as we were nodding off last night.
“Make you thin?” he scoffed in a rather rude manner. “What do they do? Shout things like ‘walk faster, Fatty’?” Yes, I thought you’d agree with me about the terrible rudeness.
And that is not all. He also suggested yesterday that I buy the Janice Battersby workout video . Bloomin cheek. Lovely bf indeed.
Actually, the Magic Shoes are really very funky… I shall be both springy and thin. Then he’ll be sorry. Ha! “LoveThoseShoes.com”. I said that in a telly-advert sort of way, could you tell? Just as if I were a pretty lady wearing shoes. I am too talented.
Inspiration January 7, 2007
Posted by Jen in : Bits and Pieces, Journal, Novel , add a commentI’m becoming more and more excited about the concept of music as metaphor in The Novel.
Apart from anything else, it’s a great excuse to play about and find lots of new stuff to complement the existing ’soundtrack’ of said writerly meanderings. Oddly, as I write, I do almost see the screenplay of The Novel in front of me. I choose the locations, the songs, the clothes - perhaps it’s a premonition? Think big - why not?
Rosie Brown’s Clocks and Clouds is today’s inspiration. Everyone should own this. Go on. Treat yourself. Or just buy this track. Aural heaven.
In a Moo-d December 9, 2006
Posted by Jen in : Bits and Pieces, Journal, Novel , 2commentsIn the absence of anything better to do today, I’ve actually been doing some work on The Novel. Now, my three main characters were, I thought, pretty sorted. But the Sensible One took her dogs out for a walk this afternoon to, you know, look at trees, contemplate life and generally have a touch of the miseries.
In the space of a few hundred words, however, she has gone mental. She has started shouting at cows. Is it normal for characters to go off the rails so drastically? I know I don’t have much control over what I laughingly call my ‘life’ but my characters could at least show a little decorum couldn’t they? I invented them. Like my children. They should bloomin well behave.
I’m not sure it’s a good idea. Shouting at cows, I mean. I don’t really like cows very much. I don’t like the way they all creep up behind you when you have to walk through their field. I don’t like their air of nonchalance* when you spin round to catch them in the act of said following malarkey. They think they’re so funny, rolling their eyes about as if to say ‘Following you? Ooh, no Missis, not me.’
And why do cows all look like Jamie Oliver? Something to do with the fat slobbery tongue I suppose. Oh dear. Sorry Jamie.
Maybe I’ll shout at some cows tomorrow. That’ll be something to look forward to. Writing can send you a bit funny, can’t it?
* I like the word nonchalance. And insouciance. I couldn’t quite decide which to use. So I thought I’d do a little footnote so I could use them both. But insouciance sounds a bit like soup. And ‘cow soup’ sounds gross. So I won’t write any of that.
Dinner with a Bouncing Czech December 1, 2006
Posted by Jen in : Bits and Pieces, Journal, Novel , add a commentLast night was ace… a wonderful dinner with my adorable work pal Pretty Hana and an assortment of other women who I’d never met before.
As always, I’m justifying this as research for The Novel. Well, there are women in it… and it’s quite interesting to see what women talk about when they’re in a clump. It can’t be all about lip gloss and men can it? Can it? An evening of intellectual banter revealed the following philosophical facts:
Children: Nah, get a dog. Easier to train and far less pooh involved.
Skiing: Rather like sex. If you can’t do it properly by the time you’re mid-20s, it’s really too embarrassing to bother.
Men: It takes a good year to
figure out what’s wrong with this onedecide whether you’re really in love or not.Heelys: Truly not designed for grown-ups. You see, children are Good At That Sort of Thing. Once you’re over 30, such wheel-endowed shoe-related objects become yet another item of probable shame, rendering the unsuspecting wearer open to potentially life-threatening situations, particularly when combined with vodka and any sort of slope.
So… enlightened? Nope, me neither. But I know one thing: I won’t be purchasing any Heelys anytime soon. I shall, instead, stick to the tried and tested, nay traditional, method of alcohol consumption when I feel the urge to make a complete and utter spaz of myself thankyouverymuch.
Lexiphanic* Abuse November 24, 2006
Posted by Jen in : Bits and Pieces, Journal , add a commentBlimey, it’s been a long week.
‘So what’s the cure?’ I hear you ask…
Well, Nurse Jenny recommends copious amounts of the distilled fruit of your choice together with some highfalutin language, assembled into insults suitably indecipherable for the toad-like colleague in your life.
Try exclaiming enthusiastically with, perhaps, the merest twinkle in the eye and a coquettish tilt of the head:
“Gosh! Until now, I hadn’t realised quite how utterly limaceous you are!”
Combine this with a captivating smile and that creepy maintenance man will grin, foolishly not recognising his etymological kinship to a slug.
Go on… you know you want to!
* Lexiphanic: Given to the use of pretentious terminology, such as the word lexiphanic
Looking for Inspiration November 21, 2006
Posted by Jen in : Bits and Pieces , add a comment
Cartoon by Dave Walker
This is NOT what I will be doing today. No, really. I’ve got a novel to write dontcha know??
